


Ride A Horse, Save A Cowboy

by stormbourne



Series: monsterfucking on main [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Centaurs, M/M, Monsters, crazy sexual shenanigans, monster fucking, tags will be updated as content warrants
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-26
Updated: 2018-10-01
Packaged: 2019-04-28 08:01:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 23,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14444889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stormbourne/pseuds/stormbourne
Summary: Tailhunting: a time honored tradition, born when an ancient human looked at an ancient monster and said, "Yeah, I'd fuck that." Jake English and his best friend Roxy, long time devotees to this discipline, have hunted and fucked through dozens of mystical, strange, dangerous, and beautiful creatures. But there's one that every tailhunter longs to smash: the elusive, reticent, and infamously romantic centaur.Now, Jake has a lead, a plan, a will, and a hard-on. As long as he doesn't fall madly, desperately, and pathetically in love, he's pretty sure he can nail this.





	1. FOR SALE - Exclusive info on centaur herd

_Welcome to MeetBrute.com!_  
FOR SALE > Specialty For Sale - By Owner  
**Exclusive centaur herd information! First come first serve (money or barter)**

_Posted by **fuckfindr69**_  


> FOR SALE - Exclusive info on centaur herd location  
>  Ran into a centaur herd recently while on vacation in the States. Willing to divulge location to first buyer to offer me a satisfactory price or equivalent information.  
>    -Do NOT contact the seller with unsolicited offers or services

_Reply by **diccliccer**_  


> pics or didnt happen

_Reply by **fuckfindr69**_  


>   
>  Centaurs are camera shy. This is the best I could do

_Reply by **consentacle87**_  


> So you own a horse. lmao. If we can’t see centaur nips we all know it’s not real.

_Reply by **eggselence**_  


> wonder how many people youve ripped off with this bullshit centaur story

_Reply by **fuckfindr69**_  


> Do you want the information or not?

_Reply by **tailhuntpro (MeetBruteMod )**_  


> Guys, be civil.

_Reply by **diccliccer**_  


> hey bro are you ever going to do anything about the bullshit posts like this or are you too busy rolling in the sweet cut mb gets from sales

_Reply by **yiffmaster420**_  


> Why are you asking when you already know the answer lol

_Reply by **eggselence**_  


> _Reply by **tailhuntpro (MeetBruteMod )**_  


> This animosity is completely uncalled for. In addition, please try to stay on-topic.  
> 

_Reply by **fuckfindr69**_  


> Thank you. Is anyone going to actually take me up on the offer?

_Reply by **nestarockin**_  


> Do you have any more proof that this isn’t a scam?

_Reply by **fuckfindr69**_  


> I don’t. Centaurs don’t like cameras and my remaining photo files were corrupted when I got back.

_Reply by **consentacle87**_  


> Scam.

_Reply by **tailhuntpro (MeetBruteMod )**_  


> Without further details or proof of the information you’re offering being verifiable, fuckfindr69, I’m afraid we have to close this thread. You’re welcome to remake it once you have more proof of your claims.

**_[thread locked by moderator]_ **

The thread had been posted months ago. It was the only original topic in fuckfindr69’s history, though they had a history of replying to other people’s topics. 

Jake English sighed as he thumbed through their post history, furrowing his eyebrows,. There, at the bottom of their profile, was the direct message link, along with that same disclaimer against contacting them with unsolicited services. Did offering to buy months-old information -- that might have already even been purchased by someone else -- count as an unsolicited service? 

He scrolled back up, ignoring the dark, slit-pupiled eyes gazing out at him from the banner ad across the top of the page, broadcasting _SEXY SUCCUBI SINGLES NEAR YOU!_ in a supposed-demonic font so gaudy that it seemed to have come from a slasher flick about the necronomicon. He sighed, scrolling back down, reading the topic line again.

Centaurs.

Famously recalcitrant, hard-to-find, human-avoiding centaurs. Every tailhunter’s most-wanted notch. Impossible to find and easy to brag about, if your hunt was successful. You could probably count the number of successful tailhunts -- _real_ ones, and not just fabricated stories of beautiful, transcendent horse-people -- on one hand. Two, if you included ones from before the internet age. 

Well, what was he if not a risk-taker? He hadn’t swam in siren-waters just to chicken out when something as small as a bit of information was on the line. Hell, he hadn’t crawled through drider tunnels just to miss this chance at a horse-sized notch on his bedpost. Compared to those, this was a walk in the park. MeetBrute might not have been the most reliable site, but it was better than some of the places Jake had gotten information on the dark web in the past. And he was significantly certain that it would lead to less trouble than the time he’d hunted down nagas in the Amazon.

And probably less eggs.

He finally clicked his thumb over the contact link.

> FROM: golgothasTerror  
>  TO: fuckfindr69  
>  SUBJECT: Centaur information still available?  
>  MESSAGE:   
>  Howdy there compadre mine! This might be a little late in coming but ive only recently seen your topic about details on a stateside centaur herd. Is that information still up for sale? Ive got a few lovely tidbits about driders and nagas and a fantastic mermaid school that might interest you if youre up for a trade. Give me a ring back and lets see if we cant make some music together!

He hit send. He tried not to think of the possibility that this fuckfindr person was going to use his information against him somehow. It wouldn’t be easy to do -- that was why the direct messages were so anonymous -- but it was possible, with enough effort. He also tried not to think of how he might get scammed out of his money for a photo of a horse. But most people were too smart to pitch centaur-related things for sale. It was the easiest way to get spotted as a fraud. It took either incredible balls, or the actual truth, to post an advertisement for that kind of information. 

Jake prayed it was the latter as he watched for some kind of reply.

The minutes ticked by. Jake put his phone down, flipping through his Netflix queue and letting his eyes roll over the titles that came up. He’d seen everything on the list, but he put on one of his old favorites just for the sake of something to watch. 

He wasn’t even a minute into the opening credits when his phone went off again. He turned it over, expecting a MeetBrute message from fuckfindr69. 

Instead, he was met by a wall of pink messages.

TG: yooooooooo  
TG: jakeyyyyyy  
TG: guess whose BACK IN BLACK  
TG: its ur homegirl  
TG: roxin ur sox  
TG: ro lalllllllll  
TG: the crowd goes wild  
TG: rahhhhhhhhh roxy raahhhhhhhhh rahhhhhhhh   
TG: thank u, thank u  
TG: takin my bows for this standing ova i just got  
TG: ova is short for ovation  
TG: anyway i just got in late last nite  
TG: hows my fave aussie doin  
TG: wizard of oz  
TG: ozzie ozborne  
GT: Good galloping gazelles roxy you sent all of those in two shakes didnt you!  
GT: Make no mistake im pleased as punch to hear youre back in town.   
GT: How was your kraken adventure?  
TG: im sad to say that it was in fact disappointing as hells  
TG: tentacles the size of my torso my fat ass jake  
TG: my  
TG: fat  
TG: ass  
GT: So they werent the size of your torso but the size of your ass?  
GT: Im afraid i dont really follow.  
TG: lmfao  
TG: they were neither of those things  
TG: make no mistake jake it was fun and all  
TG: but a girl never likes to be let down u know  
TG: gettin all hyped up and then let down is the worst  
TG: so for what its worth jakey i would NOT recommend krakening out  
TG: unless you can get pix beforehand  
TG: how bout u  
TG: what u up to  
TG: any big finds?  


Telling Roxy that he might have found a lead on, of all places, MeetBrute.com, felt a little bit silly. And she would definitely, one-hundred-percent, point out how likely he was to get scammed by some, in her words, “interweb rando.” A rando who posted on MeetBrute, no less. 

GT: Well .....  
GT: I might have something in the works roxy but i dont want to spill the beans! Especially when it might go nowhere.   
GT: What about you? Got anything good to make up for the kraken misadventure?  
TG: hmmm u fishin to see if I got any good leads  
TG: i see how you do it ;)  
TG: but no i aint been back long enough to sniff anything good out  
TG: mostly i just been tryin to get jane off my back you know how she is  
TG: roxy you gotta stop doin this shit   
TG: roxy u gotta quit bein so reckless  
TG: roxy roxy roxy roxyyyy  
GT: Hah! Yeah janes the best i love her to bits.  
GT: I dont know what wed do without her!   
TG: have more fun probably  
TG: but also prolly die  
TG: i dunno about you jaker but im fuckin hopeless at keepin track of my shit without her houndin my ass  
GT: Hear hear!  
GT: Well mark my words rox if i get a lead youll be the first to know.  
GT: And i assume that the same applies the other way!  
TG: u know it jake  
TG: tho i doubt i could ever find somethin you aint already done lol  
GT: Im hardly that prolific!  
TG: ur close tho  
GT: Maybe.  
TG: anyway jane wants 2 do lunch   
TG: u down?  
TG: shes treating us so order the lobster tails and filets ;)  
GT: Ill be there for sure!  
TG: sweet lmao were meeting at the boars bridle  
TG: you know where that is right?  
GT: Sure as sugar i do! Ill see you there in like an hour?  
TG: im gonna hold u to it jake so if ur even one min late im gonna make you buy me a drink  
TG: and ill give you allllll the details abt mr 8legs  
TG: if u get me  
GT: Rest assured roxy theres no getting i havent gotten!  
GT: Ill be waiting with bated breath!  


* * *

Jake could see Jane and Roxy across the restaurant when he ducked in. Roxy was gesticulating wildly while Jane, of course, was rubbing her temples. It was a scenario Jake had seen probably a dozen times over the course of his friendship with the two of them. He checked his watch, but no, it was noon. He was right on time. They must have arrived early.

He waved off the hostess as he made his way back to the table. Jane glanced up at him and, at once, lowered her hands from her temples, straightening her shoulders. Roxy perked up as well, turning around and slinging one arm over the back of her chair.

“English!” she shouted, waving, even though Jake was five feet away. “Get your butt over here and buy me a daiquiri.”

“Roxy,” Jane said warningly, as Jake shucked his jacket and draped it over the back of his chair. “It’s a bit early for drinks on a _Monday,_ don’t you think?” 

“Virgin, Jane, I’m not a monster.” Roxy turned back around, sipping from her water glass. Jake let himself drop into his chair, picking up the menu and glancing over it quickly. He was never going to get used to the sort of fancy, rich-people food that Jane apparently considered normal fare. He felt his eyebrows furrow as he considered his options. Who ate filet mignon for lunch? Who ate tuna tartare? What the hell _was_ burrata? “Besides, you know I frickin’ hate daiquiris. They’re so sweet.” 

“At least your taste in drinks is better than your taste in hobbies,” Jane sighed. A waiter hovered nearby, briefly filling Jake’s water glass before darting away again. Jake lifted his glass and swallowed. 

“ _Jake_ is going to want to hear my story,” Roxy countered, and grinned at him. Jane let out a sigh so tremendous that Jake was fairly sure it could have blown over one of the three little pigs’ houses. “Isn’t that right, Jake? You want to know all the details about that kraken boy, don’t you?” 

“And how!” Jake said when the silence lingered for long enough that he knew he could get a word in edgewise. Jane groaned aloud. “Though,” he said, “maybe we ought to spare Jane the grisly details this time. You know how she gets!”

“And, pray tell,” Jane said, “how do I get, exactly?” 

Roxy turned to her and batted her eyelashes. “Super worried about your bestest friends in the world?” she said in a tone as sweet as sugar syrup. 

“Bestest isn’t a word, Roxy,” Jane said, and made a show of burying her face behind her menu. “Go ahead. Tell Jake all about how disappointing your wild goose chase was. I’m sure he’s very excited to hear it.” 

“Wild _squid_ chase,” Roxy corrected. Jane made a strained noise and buried her face further in her menu.

“So how big was it?” Jake asked at once, which led to Jane letting out another distressed groan. Her shoulders slumped until she seemed more like a turtle than a person, tucked behind the menu like it would block out sound as well as the sight of them. 

“Not as big around as my friggin’ torso!” Roxy replied. “Not even as big around as my damn arm!” She picked up her phone from the table, skimming through her photos, until she came to one, which she showed Jake. She drifted in the water, selfie stick in one hand and, somewhere behind her, something which Jake suspected was supposed to be a kraken, but was much smaller than any sea monster he’d ever heard of.

“Was it even a kraken at all?” he asked, dubious.

“Yeah, but like, a fuckin’ baby one.” Roxy swiped forward a few more. Now there was a photo of her next to the creature, but the whole thing was about the same size as she was. “It felt weird to try anything with it when it was still so little, y’know? So I left it alone. Went on a sea serpent tour the next day instead, and while that was fuckin’ choice -- ” she made the ok symbol with one hand, “ -- when you want tentacles and instead you gotta settle for sea snakes, well.”

“Yeah,” Jake said with real sympathy. “I know what you mean. You remember that time I was looking for slimegirls in the Mediterranean and -- ”

“And you had to settle for a water elemental! I remember.” Roxy leaned forward, putting her elbows on the table and perching her chin in her hands. “It’s one of my favorite ‘hunter stories,” she said in a near-conspiratorial whisper. “Especially since two weeks later you were still finding seaweed in your -- ”

“We are about to have _lunch!_ ” Jane snapped, slapping her menu down onto the table. “Do either of you have any sense of propriety? I swear!” 

Roxy turned to Jane again, who seemed to immediately realize her mistake and start unfolding her menu again. “Janey Janes,” Roxy said. “My Janey-pie. Janey Juney. Juniper, Jupiter Jane.”

“I’m not answering,” Jane said, raising her menu.

“If you had to pick just _one,_ ” Roxy needled.

“I’m not answering!” Jane repeated.

“Just one, one big tailhunt to do and call it done! One big crazy fling. Nobody has to know! Except, well, me and Jakey, cause you _gots_ to give the deets to your bee eff effsies. But we won’t tell a soul!”

“This is a completely pointless exercise!” Jane’s voice was getting progressively higher-pitched. Jake felt sort of bad. Roxy didn’t pull this very often, but Jane always got the exact same kind of flustered when she did. 

“Roxy, leave her be,” he said, but there wasn’t any real feeling in it. 

“Don’t tell me you’re not just as curious as I am!” Roxy countered, immediately diverting all her attention from Jane’s menu-fort to Jake. It was a bit like being sprayed by a fire hose made of nosy questions, but Jake had found himself, somehow, getting used to it. “I’ll make a bet with you,” Roxy said, pointing a finger at him for a moment before she picked up her purse and rifled through it. “A whole benjamin to the winner of who gets closest to what Jane’s actual pick is.” 

“Really!” Jane said, but she had apparently learned her lesson. The menu stayed up this time. “I’m sitting right here, you know! I can hear every word you’re saying!”

“My bet,” Roxy said, and withdrew what was, indeed, a hundred-dollar bill, from her purse before slapping it onto the table, “is that she’d totally do a faerie if she ran into one. They’re all about rules, you know? And Jane does fuckin’ love her some rules. She’d love having all the bits and bobs spread out for her like that so she knows what to do, right? Doesn’t that sound like her?”

“I am not hearing this,” Jane insisted. The fingers gripping her menu had gone white-knuckled.

“I don’t think so,” Jake countered. He gave a quick glance around, but either no one had heard their conversation or this was the sort of joint where you always pretended to mind your own business. Given the way most of the menu didn’t list prices, he was pretty sure it was the latter. “See, Jane would know how dangerous faeries are! She’s all on the up and up with that, you know. She has to be, for CrockerCorp nonsense!”

Jane lowered her menu an inch. “Thank you, Jake,” she said. “It’s good to know that one of you has a little bit of -- ”

“She’d absolutely go in more for something wild and crazy that she’d never have to tell anybody about,” Jake continued, cheerfully. The menu flipped back up as Jane made a disgusted noise. “I’m thinking incubus, myself,” he said, lowering his voice so it sounded like a secret exchange between spies. “Not one of the city ones that runs businesses openly. Or at least not one up here! Maybe she’d take a trip down to, hm, I don’t know. Borneo or something. And get in touch with one there! Supposedly the things incubi can get up to can be pretty darn bonkers, and they’re all about mum’s the word!” 

“Hm,” Roxy said, leaning back and folding her arms. Her lips pursed as she considered it. “You might have a point there, English.” 

Jake fumbled with his wallet, counting out five twenties. Carrying cash wasn’t normally his style, but his last ‘hunt had been much cheaper than he’d expected -- and given Roxy’s kraken story, he expected it was the same for her. “So, there you are,” he said, flashing the bills. “Consider the bet on!”

“I cannot believe the two of you.” Jane lowered her menu again, opening her mouth to continue scolding them.

“Ladies? Sir? Are you ready to order?”

Roxy outright cackled as Jane cooly cut herself off and turned toward the waiter with her most polished, professional smile. It was the sort of smile that Jake suspected could shut up an entire boardroom full of investors in two seconds flat. “Yes, thank you,” she said.

Jake’s phone buzzed. 

He picked it up off the table, feeling himself flush as Jane gave him an incredulous look. Roxy, maybe remembering his talk about leads earlier, just lifted one eyebrow at him. He smiled sheepishly, hoping his charm would defuse the scolding that might be coming from Jane.

“Oh, go ahead and order for me,” he said. “I don’t have the friggin’ foggiest what I’d order. This place is about sixteen levels above my pay grade, Jane, you know that!”

“You say that about every place that we go to,” Jane said.

“He says that about every place _you_ take us,” Roxy said, leaning forward. “Come on, Jane, you’re rich. Jake and I are more used to, like, McDonalds.”

“They have burgers here!” Jane argued.

“Artisan ones with like, goat cheese and shit!” Roxy countered.

“Really, ladies, I can come back in a moment,” the waiter offered. Jane took the moment to check his phone.

> FROM: fuckfindr69  
>  TO: golgothasTerror  
>  SUBJECT: RE: Centaur information still available?  
>  MESSAGE:   
>  The information is still available. We would need to discuss a fair trade. I’m not especially interested in mermaids, but if you have any information on minotaurs, I might be willing to barter. Otherwise, I’m sure we can come to a fair price.  
> 

Jake glanced back up to see Jane and Roxy looking over at him. He flushed again. The waiter was gone. “Sorry!” he chirped. “Sorry, sorry. Just, erm, business nonsense, you know how it is with Gran.” 

“Oh, do we?” Roxy leaned forward on her elbows. “Business, really, Jake? Or is it pleasure?” 

“ _Roxy._ ” Jake looked up at Jane, who was rubbing her forehead. “Jake, I ordered you the veal. I’m sure you’ll like it. Now, can we please have a regular conversation? About _normal_ things, like reasonable people?”

“Plenty of reasonable people tailhunt,” Roxy said, but that was where she left it, unfolding her napkin and draping it over her lap. “So,” she said. “How’d the business meeting in -- what was it, Brussels? -- go?”

“Berlin,” Jane said, “and swimmingly. We’re about to open a new warehouse outside of Hamburg, and we want to make sure that all of the shipping equipment is ready.”

Jake tuned her out, listening just enough to smile and nod at all the right places. Mentally, he started going down a checklist of information. He did have some information on where Roxy had been when she’d discovered that minotaur village in the Alps -- maybe that would be enough for this fuckfindr person? Roxy had been looking for yetis when she’d found them. If they were looking for minotaurs and had spent time with centaurs, then surely yetis would be right up their alley. And while the yeti cave was just a rumor, the minotaur village was real. But he didn’t have detailed directions to it, and “somewhere in the eastern Alps, turn left at the yeti tracks” wasn’t exactly descriptive. And he really wasn’t sure he’d have enough spare dosh to spend if that information wasn’t enough. 

“Jake!” 

He blinked himself back into awareness. Jane was glaring at him from behind her cats-eye glasses. Roxy, meanwhile, had one hand pressed to her mouth, clearly stifling laughter.

“What now?” he asked, attempting another disarming smile. “Sorry, Jane, I just plumb wandered off there, didn’t I?”

“As usual,” Jane said, her lips twitching slightly. “What on earth is on your mind today? You’re not usually _this_ distracted.”

“Is it that lead you were saying you didn’t wanna spill details on?” Roxy asked. Her eyebrows were absolutely dancing. Jake watched as Jane’s entire face pinched inward and she heaved a heavy sigh.

“Oh, Rox, Jane doesn’t rightly want to hear about it,” he wheedled. “I’ll tell you all the sordid details once we’ve eaten, alright? And it’s just you and me.”

“Is it dangerous?” Jane asked, and then, before Jake could even start to answer, “I don’t know why I’m bothering to ask. Of course it is. The only things you and Roxy do are always dangerous.” She pursed her lips, adjusting her napkin where it sat on the table, still delicately folded. “How do the two of you even afford this sort of thing? Traveling all the time, to all these exotic places, it’s just a good thing neither of you have any obligations like some of us!”

Roxy reached over to pat Jane’s hand. “You’re always welcome to come with me on my fuckadventures, Janey,” she said. Jane winced. Roxy grinned viciously. Jake stifled a laugh.

“I’m very flattered, but also not at all interested,” Jane said. She picked up her napkin, shaking it out a bit too vehemently. “If I used the Crocker money to go -- _philandering_ about like the two of you do --” 

“Jane,” Roxy said. “Jake and I are always very careful. Isn’t that right, Jake?”

“ _Jake,_ ” Jane countered, before Jake could respond, “spent an unexpected week in Panama because a tarantula woman took a liking to him. I think he’s hardly qualified to talk about caution.” Her eyebrows drew together. “And neither are you! Chasing dragons in China, hunting for unicorns in, what was it, Japan?” 

“They’re called kirin,” Roxy said, and sat back, folding her arms. 

“Jane, I know you’re worried about us, but I promise, there’s really no danger for the lead I’m chasing right now,” Jake said. “It’s here in the States, and it’s really not dangerous at all! It’s, erm, it’s just a bit more -- a curiosity! That’s all!” 

“A curiosity,” Roxy murmured. She perched her chin on the heel of one hand, furrowing her eyebrows as she turned to look at him. “Hm.” 

“With all due respect, Jake, you don’t have to lie to me to make me feel better.” She smoothed her napkin out over her lap. “I don’t think you’ve ever gone on one of these -- hunts -- of yours that wasn’t dangerous. You’re a thrill chaser, I know, but sometimes I just wish --”

“It’s not dangerous!” he insisted. “The only danger’s in having to come back and tell Roxy I didn’t manage shit-all! Weathering all her nosy Nancy nonsense about what went wrong and whether I wasn’t romantic enough and --”

He knew at once he’d given it away. Roxy’s eyebrows jumped almost into her hairline. She leaned toward him, lips parting slightly. He felt his cheeks color in response.

“ _Romantic_ enough!” she said. “Jake, don’t tell me --”

“It’s not a firm lead!” he said, raising one hand and waving it in a defusing gesture. “It’s just -- a maybe! I found someone who says they might have information for trade and hell if I don’t want to poke my fingers into that pie!” 

“Would one of you mind enlightening me as to what we’re talking about?” 

“Centaurs,” Roxy said. Her voice was almost reverent. 

There was a moment of pure silence among the three of them, likely as Jane processed what she’d just heard and tried to figure out the best way to reply to it. 

“That still sounds dangerous to me,” she said at last. “Can’t they trample you? They move in herds, right? And everyone knows they’re not especially fond of humans.”

“That’s why they’re not dangerous, don’t you see?” Jake replied without thinking. “They don’t want tickety-boo to do with people and they know that hurting anybody just gets them attention they don’t want, so they avoid humans entirely! And they don’t take practice with keeping humans penned up or, uh, taking likings to them like certain spider ladies we could name.” 

“What _was_ her name?” Roxy teased.

“Her name doesn’t matter!” Jane countered. “She was a spider woman who almost kept Jake down there with her forever!” 

“Anyway,” Jake hurried to interject, “centaurs don’t do anything like that! They’re perfectly civilized and more than happy to leave people alone. The only thing is, if you want to, erm, if you want to --”

“If you want to _fuck_ them,” Roxy interrupted, stopping Jake’s search for a polite way to say it, “you’ve got to _romance_ them first.” 

The silence hung between the three of them again. Jake was briefly relieved that the waiter chose that moment to return with their food. He also took the moment to refill their water glasses, and then vanished into the sea of tables once again. Jane’s mouth pinched to one side, then the other. Roxy started in on her salmon, but Jane just fiddled with her silverware, looking at Jake, who flushed and broke eye contact to pretend interest in his veal.

“That … doesn’t sound like you at all,” Jane said at last. “You’re not exactly a very romantic sort, are you, Jake? Everything you’ve ever chased has been -- the most dangerous you can find. Nagas in the Amazon! Driders in Panama! That time you went looking for djinn … But centaurs, which you have to romance, in the States? It’s unusual, isn’t it?” 

“Everyone says it’s worth it,” he offered, weakly. “If you can get them well and twitterpated and they’re willing to, erm, take you to bed --”

Roxy snorted into her food at the exact moment Jane cringed. 

“Still,” she said. “Romantic doesn’t exactly strike me as like you. Or Roxy, to be honest.”

“Well, obvs,” Roxy said, “Jake isn’t exactly planning to stick around after he gets his bang on.” Jake had the distinct feeling that, if the three of them had been standing, she might have done an inappropriate hip thrust. “But he’ll sure have something to brag about that most tailhunters can only dream of. Get in good with the horses, then get out while you can. Wham, bam, thank you ma’am.”

Jane’s face took on an entirely different form of displeasure. “Doesn’t that seem a bit … crass?”

“Everything we do is sort of crass when you’re down to brass tacks, isn’t it?” Jake replied. “And in any case, Roxy’s got the right of it. I’m not planning to -- to get a beau or anything, Jane, it’s just going to be a bit of a longer adventure than normal so I can make sure --”

“Right,” she said, raising a hand to cut him off. He fell silent a little bit gratefully. “Shall we leave it there? I’m really not interested in those details.” She pushed vegetables around her plate. “You’re certain it’s not that dangerous?” 

“One hundred percent,” he said, and started cutting his veal.

“And you promise you’ll let the two of us know if anything goes wrong?”

“Or if anything goes right,” Roxy said, winking at him. Jane’s lips pinched.

“I’ll let both of you know if anything gets all snafu on me,” Jake said. “And I’ll only let Roxy know if it’s the other kind of snafu.” 

“That’s what I’m talking about,” Roxy said.

“Thank you,” Jane replied with a visible sigh of relief. “Now, let’s eat before it gets cold, shall we?”

* * *

> FROM: golgothasTerror  
>  TO: fuckfindr69  
>  SUBJECT: RE: RE: Centaur information still available?  
>  MESSAGE:   
>  Youre in luck mate! My bestie roxy found a remote minotaur village up in the eastern alps. I asked her for the deets and she said it was about in central austria and shed hiked up from a town called hallstatt. And i bet this bit will perk your ears right up too! She was up there looking for yetis. She said she found a bunch of tracks in the area but when she followed some of them she stumbled across the taur village instead. So maybe youll get real lucky and the yetis and the minotaurs know each other!   
>    
>  Anyway if thats enough information let me know. I can get any other details you want from roxy if you need em but theres shitloads of local guides there who probably know more than either of us. Cheers and thanks compadre.   
> 

That was going to have to do. He was going to have to hope the double-header of minotaurs and yetis, possibly in the same place, was enough of a tempting lure to get fuckfindr to part with the same kind of information.

He swiped out of the MeetBrute app and back into Pesterchum.

TG: so  
TG: they reply yet  
GT: Roxy its been a whole ten seconds give them some time!  
GT: They might not think its enough anyway i might have to pony up a good few benjamins.  
GT: Im really hoping thats not going to be the case i dont want to explain it to gran again.  
GT: She doesnt really care but its also really weird to talk to her about! Hey gran im off getting my stick dipped with some wild nymph ladies. How are you gran not much is happening with me ive just been out dirty dancing with some eightlegged beauties.  
GT: Its awkward and horrible!  
TG: this is why i dont talk to my mom about it lmao  
TG: shes happy to just not know  
TG: heres ur credit card daughter have fun on your wild adventures ill be here if something gets crazy  
TG: ta ta  
TG: all metaphorically standin by the side of the boat as it leaves  
TG: wavin her hankie  
TG: cryin a lil single crystal tear  
TG: she smashed a choice bottle o bubbly on the hull tho tbh jake why the FUQ do ppl waste good drinks like that  
TG: smh  
GT: I wouldnt have the foggiest!  
GT: Are you sure you dont want to come along if this does lead somewhere? You know i never say no to company and im sure wed have all kinds of stories to share when all is said and done! Theres probably a centaur just waiting for roxy lalonde to come along and charm her way into their heart.  
GT: Hearts?  
GT: Are centaurs one of those ones that has two hearts?  
TG: prolly i mean think about it jake theyre huge  
TG: they need the two hearts to keep heir blood pumpin much less get those horsey boners ;)  
TG: annnnnnd speakin of those  
TG: how psyched are u   
TG: i hear once they come u cant eat for 3 days  
GT: Poppycock.  
GT: Im pretty sure all of that is just exaggeration i mean ive been with some pretty over the top monsters and none of them came anywhere close!  
TG: but just pretend its all 100 percent verified organic truth jake  
TG: if it is all completely true  
TG: on a scale of 1 to 10 how down for the horse d are you  
GT: Roxy please you know the answer to that is always a 10!  
GT: An 11 even! Hell maybe a 50!  
TG: hell yeah  
TG: and same  
TG: which brings me back to this  
TG: i would looooooove to go jake but i got plans  
GT: Oh whats this now!  
GT: Are you also going looking for some elusive exclusive tailhunt lead roxy dont keep a fellow in the dark!  
GT: Ive spilled my details all over the rug after all!  
TG: no not rly its a lot more boring than that  
TG: moms gettin married  
TG: i told u remember the kraken cruise was my big hurrah and then i had to come home and clean up for a bit  
GT: Oh shit i forgot all about it!  
GT: Hells bells roxy im sorry you know what a sieve my mind can be sometimes.  
TG: its fine lmao its not like theyre expecting u   
TG: but yeah im booked solid for p much the next couple months helping get shit dealt  
TG: that said ive seen the dress and let me fuckin tell you it is CHOICE  
TG: so go have your horse ride and keep me updated bcuz let me tell u boy  
TG: for the next 3 months im going to be living vicariously  
TG: and you better take notes on every single detail of that dick  
TG: im serious english there will be a pop quiz  
TG: like poppin a boner  
TG: get it  
TG: boioioioioing  
GT: I really hope it doesnt actually sound like that.  
TG: wait  
TG: have you fucked something that DOES sound like that  
GT: Not yet but dont you think it would be a hell of a mood killer?  
TG: lmao  
TG: youd be surprised what can get me in the mood jake  


His phone buzzed.

GT: Oh hell i think he responded give me a second roxy.  
TG: im rooting for u jake if they don’t spill tea then you just have to sic me on them  
TG: im a savage jungle cat  
TG: rowr  
TG: ill get that information one way or another even if i have to use …  
TG: …  
TG: …  
GT: Your wiles?  
TG: …  
TG: …  
GT: It is your wiles isnt it or am i wrong?  
TG: …  
GT: Oh come on rox im dying.  
TG: my WILES ;)  
GT: Well rest assured rox im keeping your wiles firmly in mind.   
GT: Be back in a jiffy.  


He swiped back into MeetBrute, trying not to get his hopes up. There was a very good chance the guy was going to turn down his information, or at least demand something in addition to it. Centaur info, after all, wasn’t an easy trade to make. They were so elusive …

The subject line didn’t give away what the guy was thinking at all, unfortunately. Jake swallowed hard, opened the message, and began to read.

> FROM: fuckfindr69  
>  TO: golgothasTerror  
>  SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: Centaur information still available?  
>  MESSAGE:  
>  You have yourself a deal. I’ve heard some yeti rumors from around that area, but knowing there’s taurs nearby settles where I’m doing my next hunt.   
>    
>  The herd I found is in southeastern Texas, not that far north from Houston. Far enough to be out of the metro area, obviously, but you’d be surprised how much some of them have integrated into society down there. It’s not Greece, but it’s sure something. Anyway, the herd had a good 75 centaurs or so in it.  
>    
>  And, by the way, the stories are all true.  
>    
>  If you decide to head down there, check out the Cockatrice’s Roost in Houston and tell them Alex sent you. They should be able to point you in the right direction. Centaur herds don’t tend to wander much, so you should be able to find them pretty quick.   
>    
>  Cheers and good ‘hunting.   
> 

Within a minute, Jake opened up his calendar. The next few weeks were all as clear as a summer’s day, or maybe as clear as a summer’s day specifically in Texas. He thumbed over into his travel app, pulling up flights from Vancouver to Houston. He even brought up a text message to let his gran know where he was going next, but on that last one, he hesitated.

Awkward like hell. Instead, he flipped back over to Pesterchum.

GT: Holy schlamoly roxy.  
GT: Ive got it ive got my in.  
GT: And. AND!! This guy says all the stories are true.  
TG: :O   
TG: :O  
TG: :O  
TG: holy shit   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND AWAY. WE. GO.
> 
> thanks to my pals who kicked my ass into finally working on this and the strilonde server for helping me loosen my over-tightened creative muscles so I could write this without a care in the world
> 
>  
> 
> [Find me on tumblr!](http://stormsbourne.tumblr.com/)


	2. The thing with Bigfoot

SUBJECT: Away from home on the range!

Well its happening friends and familios! Believe it or not ive got a hot tip on a hell of an adventure. Im jetsetting off to the states! Clear down to sommat in texas where ive been told and hold your breath for dramatic effect here that theres a herd of real verified centaurs. Thats right you didnt read that wrong! Centaurs!

Ive not got a lot of deep information but ive got plenty of tips to dig into and i figure even if all goes awry and i dont find myself a handsome taur gent theres bound to be a catch or two down in those big ol plains. What do you think? Im sure some of my longtime readers have heard of some good things to keep an eye out for in the lonestar state! And if you know what i mean they do say everythings bigger in texas dont they? Heheh. 

Anyway stay tuned therell be another post coming just as soon as i get into town! Believe it or not im making this post right from the airport on my way to blowing this here popsicle stand! Its a big ol drag of a 4 hour flight from out of here in vancouver but im hoping i can just snooze the whole way through. Im gonna pop a nyquil and then get the jet lag slept off once i get to my hotel.

Are any of you in the houston area? Mayhaps we can get some drinks or vits. Leave me your name or shoot me an email and well make plans!

See you on the streets or in the sheets!  
golgothasTerror

_16 Comments_

BY: wizordhat  
good luck gt! keep us up on the sweet and shady deets ;) and if u meet any cuties in tx. well miss u like hell here downtown. janes going to be sweating bullets every time your name comes up lmao  
REPLY BY: golgothasTerror   
Thanks wiz! Ill be seeing you when i see you but youll hear about how its going long before then. Give my love to janey and let me know how the wedding goes if im not back by then!

BY: tales_of_tails  
Good to see you enjoying yourself, GT. I would probably have advised against going all-in on this centaurs adventure, in your shoes -- I've shelled out a lot of money before for centaur herd information that never led anywhere. If you're in Texas, though, you could probably at least look up a consolation demon if everything goes south. Looking forward to your next post.

BY: powertailer  
i hate to tell you this man but i think u got sold a bad bridge. if ur looking for some florida swampland i can help u out there too. even got some gator women on it. hmu lmao

BY: tailjob  
I hate to agree with everybody else, GT, but I feel like you might have taken some wooden nickels on this, to use your own words. Centaurs are the easiest way to get yourself robbed blind. Be careful out there in Texas -- whoever gave you this info might be setting you up for something dangerous. 

BY: bigbullsballs  
Fuck everybody else, man, if anybody can do this, it's you! Be sure to take LOTS OF PICTURES or nobody will believe you. Except me lmao because I always do. Remember when everybody thought you made up that naga story? I knew it was true obviously. Anyway hope you can manage to get that D. Centaurs are supposedly the hardest to hook and all. Just practice swishing your ass attractively and maybe you can bypass all the other stuff you're supposed to do.

BY: [anonymous]  
u got sold a bad ticket  
REPLY BY: [anonymous]  
seriously wtf gt this is the dumbest shit you ever fell for i guess ill be at your funeral

BY: tailnailed  
@ anon - calm down. GT is perfectly capable of taking care of himself. Have a good flight, GT, and let us know how the hunt goes. Be safe! If you were coming around near Dallas I'd take you to the Craver's Cavern, a great 'hunter bar out here. Hit me up if you swing back around my way.   
REPLY BY: golgothasTerror  
Maybe ill manage to hit up dallas if this centaur business doesnt pan out! Thanks for the invite and well see if i end up heading there for plan b. Ill keep you in mind for sure!

BY: yellow__tail  
Good luck with the centaurs. If you don't get any ground there, I know that there's some jackalope warrens around that area that always prove receptive to visitors. There's also always coyote lycans looking for company. If you see one named Jason there tell them that Phillip says hello. Oh, and keep an eye out for chupacabras. They can be rough, but it's worth it.

BY: dragontails  
I know you want to go big, GT, but this seems a little bit too risky. Blink twice if somebody put you up to this. Blink three times if it's a bet you made with wizord.  
REPLY BY: wizordhat  
how dare u i am a paragon of virtues  
REPLY BY: dragontails  
Of course but that wouldn't stop you from making a bet with GT as to whether he can actually bang a centaur.  
REPLY BY: wizordhat  
hed never take it without good info lmao gt may be wild but he aint dumb. trust me this got nothin to do w me  
REPLY BY: dragontails  
I guess I'll have to take you at your word. Good luck out there GT and keep us updated.

* * *

Jake didn't like airports.

Roxy practically reveled in them. She would swan around, bag over one shoulder, stopping at a newsstand or a coffee shop or some weird food place and jibing Jake until he ordered something. It wasn't even that he didn't have the money for it -- that wasn't the problem, even though everything he inevitably bought at Roxy's urging was horrendously overpriced. Even the weird food he'd had once in a while wasn't the problem.

The problem was the people.

There were hordes of them. Scads upon scads. Old people. Children. Married couples and engaged couples and bickering couples and couples draped across each other. All of them buzzing with conversation and noise, pressed together so tightly he was always shocked that they didn't leave marks on each other. And here he was, in the middle of it, navigating through and just trying to keep to himself. He shouldered his bag, took a deep breath, and tried to look as aggressively unapproachable as he could.

It was one thing to write blog posts about his adventures. It was another thing entirely to go on them. It wasn't even that he hated tailhunting, so much as he hated the long quest to get to the meaty bits. Somebody needed to get on the ball and figure out teleportation, somehow. He didn't know how they could live in a world with giant serpents and elementals and still not have the whole instantaneous travel thing completely figured.

He managed to find a seat on the end of a row of mostly-occupied chairs, immediately putting his bag in the chair next to him like the worst sort of villain, and yanked out his tablet. One of these days, he was going to spring for first class. Or maybe a friggin' chartered jet. Especially for a four hour flight.

He thumbed through his web browser as he waited for boarding calls. Roxy had made a post to her 'hunter blog with some pictures from her sea serpent tour. Jane had made a post to her _regular_ blog about her corporate trip to Germany, with a lot of pictures of smiling Crockercorp employees gathered around a fairly dour-looking factory under a cloudy grey sky. She stood out of the group in her red suit, red lipstick, and red cats-eye glasses, but he suspected she still would have stood out even if she was wearing rags. She just had that sort of energy about her, the presence of a future CEO.

His heart did an anxious backflip and he paged away, back onto the TripAdvisor page he'd had open for Houston. They might not have had things specifically pointed out for 'hunters, but it was easy enough to spot the flags, and Jake had made a whole list of bars and clubs to check out if the Cockatrice's Roost didn't pay off. 

He really hoped it'd pay off. The last thing he needed after a four-hour flight surrounded by kids and loud adults was checking out bars full of even more people. And he only had so much time to spare dallying around in town before he'd be cutting into his time looking for centaurs on the plains. 

He busied himself checking out the list of bars he'd highlighted, the hiker and sports supply shops that seemed tailhunter friendly, the whole works. He checked in on MeetBrute. There weren't any new messages from fuckfindr, but then, he wasn't sure why he'd expected any. He browsed through a few forum threads that mentioned centaurs, but all of them were rumors and people hunting for the same sort of information that he'd found. 

Maybe he _had_ taken some wooden nickels. But what the hell would fuckfindr be getting from sending some random Aussie off on a wild horse chase? Besides laughs, maybe. Jake wasn't even a big name in the 'hunter community, so the laughs wouldn't last that long.

The attendant called his boarding group. 

Time to go, then. Jake put his tablet away, swung his bag onto his shoulder, and headed toward the line. Maybe he would get lucky and there would be an in-flight movie.

* * *

SUBJECT: Here and ready for an adventure!

Well ive landed in texas! The flight was a nightmare but you know all flights sort of are arent they? I did just what i said though and dosed up and caught some zs the whole time. They had a decent flick up but by the time it started id already taken my dose and started to nod off!

Im staying at a pretty swell place on the edge of houston. Everybody says that its better to stay downtown but i think id rather not deal with the hustle and bustle. I can afford a taxi or seven! And im going to have to rent a car anyway once i head out to the plains. 

Anyway im headed out to hit up a few hunter bars and see if anybodys got good beans to spill for yours truly. Ive got to say im not expecting much. I had a hunt around a few hunter websites last night and didnt find word one about centaurs out here. Honestly though im trying not to let that freak me out! After all if you just go off what the internet says it sounds like centaurs dont even exist. But we all know 

The post just wasn't coming together.

Jake sighed, typing in a few more words and then deleting them again. It just sounded ... insincere. It sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than anything. There wasn't anything interesting about landing in Texas and dithering about looking for tips. His sparse number of readers followed him for his tales of the supernatural and extreme, not for his tales of the banal.

He saved the draft, closed out his blog, and stared at his homepage. It, sadly, did not give him any indication of where to go or what to do.

He had to admit to himself that he was putting off going to the Cockatrice's Roost. Maybe the comments from his last post had thrown him off. Or maybe he'd looked at too many 'hunter websites full of people sharing stories of being ripped off, or friends being ripped off. Some part of him was sure that he was going to walk into the bar and get laughed right out, mentioning Alex or no. 

Maybe he should talk to Roxy. But he wasn't sure that she wouldn't tell him anything he didn't already know. He was already here; he might as well keep following the lead. It absolutely wasn't the first time he'd gotten cold feet on a hunt, but that would be part of the problem with talking to Roxy about it. She was _certain_ to bring up the last time it had happened. 

He shut his laptop, leaning forward and rubbing his temples. It was still early afternoon -- he'd let himself sleep in, knowing that the bar probably wouldn't open until later in the day, but it was always hard to fight off the early riser instinct. In a way, it was a lucky thing that Texas was hours ahead of Vancouver. It gave him time to laze around, get room service for breakfast, watch some movies ...

Spend too much time researching centaurs in the area and give himself cold feet. 

Now he shoved his laptop fully away and got to his feet. The last thing he wanted was to be reminded of the time he'd given up on finding Bigfoot. And he had a much better lead now than he'd had back when he'd been neck-deep in the Olympic Rainforest. So, fine. He shucked his pajama shirt and started putting on actual clothes, looking out toward the downtown skyline as he did. "Google," he called to his phone, "call me a taxi." 

On stepping into the Cockatrice's Roost, he was mostly relieved to be out of the tide of bodies. He'd known that Houston was big, but somehow he hadn't expected downtown-crowds-and-tourists big. What was there even to see in friggin' Texas? Cows? Sure, it was apparently big for both 'hunters and _actual_ hunters, but not everybody here could be an old fashioned cowboy or even a new-fashioned one, as evidenced by how empty the 'hunter dive was when he stepped inside.

There were a couple people in booths against the walls, but besides that, it was empty. It _was_ only 3 pm. The line of barstools down the length of the dive were empty, and though there was a man behind the bar, he deliberately refused to acknowledge Jake's presence. Jake took in the atmosphere around him as he walked forward. It was devoid of some of the things he'd seen in other 'hunter bars in his time -- no succubi pinups, no aggressive ads for local incubus services, but then, Texas was probably one of those odd places that had laws about that sort of thing. Instead, it was decorated more like a typical, regular-old-folks kind of establishment. There were posters, vintage beer ads, signed pictures of celebrities, the works. It was altogether much classier than Jake had expected, for someplace with a name that at least _implied_ it was named for a dick. 

He glanced at a couple of the people against the wall, but they largely also just looked normal. There was a big guy with a scar over one eye, but that was as grizzled as they got. The others ... a guy with red streaks in his dark hair. A lady with a long ponytail and a tattoo on her shoulder, speaking lowly to a guy with big coke-bottle glasses. All of them were more 'hunters in theory than in fact, Jake suspected.

He tossed his bag onto one of the barstools and climbed onto the one next to it. "Afternoon, good sir!" he called to the bartender, who made a noise that could only be described as disgusted. "A mint julep if you don't mind so much and I'd like to pick your brain a bit if you have a mo'."

"I don't even remotely have a mo, whatever the fuck you mean by that," the bartender said, but set about making the drink. "What do you want? You're not from around here, I don't recognize you." 

Jake nodded absently, digging through his pack. What had fuckfindr's name been, again? "Sure as sugar, that's the facts! I'm here on a bit of an excursion if you know what I mean." He glanced up and winked, only to find that the bartender wasn't looking at him. Accordingly, he sighed, and the bartender shot him a look. He had weirdly-colored eyes, lined with some sort of glittering eyeliner. Maybe it was just the light. "See, I got a tip from somebody named, uh ..." He fished through his memory and swiped through messages on his phone at the same time, "Alex!" he said at last. "Alex. See, Alex told me to come here and hit you up about maybe pointing me in the direction of some, shall we say, elusive prey." 

"You're going to have to be a lot clearer than that," the bartender said. His voice was dry and sort of gravelly, like he had been smoking since he was born. "I don't have all fucking day to sit around humoring tailhunters who think they're god's gift to this green fucking earth. Elusive prey. Give me a break. Spell it out or find someone else to help you." 

"Erm," Jake said. He hadn't expected a confrontation. 

The man made his way over to Jake, setting his drink down. "Where do you even get off?" he wondered in that smoke-and-gravel voice. "Mint juleps, what fucking year do you think it is? At least order a jack and coke like a regular fucking human being. Jesus. I'd think you were Colonel fucking Sanders or something."

"There's not a damn thing wrong with a good ol' julep!" Jake countered, picking up the glass and looking up. Banter was a lot more comfortable than the previous confrontation had been. All the same, he had to stop himself from dropping his drink the instant he actually looked the bartender in the face. 

What he'd thought had been some kind of facial tattoo or makeup were actually red scales marking the skin atop his cheekbones and around his eyes, which were bright red set in yellow sclera. A pair of -- altogether unimpressive -- horns parted his hair, but they appeared to still be growing in or at least in recent molt. And when Jake looked, he could see a spaded tail waving in the air behind the man.

"You're a demon!" he gasped, forcing himself to steady his grip on the glass. The ice within clinked a bit against itself. 

"Yes, genius, tell me what else is new," the man said. "Are you going to tell me what the hell you're after, or take your drink and leave me the hell alone?" 

Behind him, Jake could hear the woman and her thick-spectacled companion muttering to each other. Jake cleared his throat, and then coughed. Maybe an incubus -- succubus? The bartender looked male, but you never could be sure -- tending a bar was a workaday sort of sight down here in the states, but it certainly wasn't something he'd ever encountered back in Vancouver. 

"Yeah, yeah, tourist, get it out of your system," the demon said. "Oh wow, an incubus here in the city during daylight hours, doing regular-people work instead of just soliciting sex day and night! Wow! What a fucking marvel!" He gestured outward, spreading his hands as if displaying a banner. "Come see the eighth wonder of the goddamned world, Karkat Vantas! Demon who doesn't want to fuck you! Two bucks a pop!" 

"I, erm," Jake said. 

"Do you want to ask me your stupid question or not?" the incubus demanded. "Do it or don't. What did I just say about not having all day? Jesus christ, I didn't come to Texas to humor a bunch of gawking --"

"Centaurs!" Jake spat.

Karkat's rant stopped dead in its tracks. His pupils went slitted like a cat's, and he peered down at Jake. Now that he was in the light, Jake could see more of those scale patterns over the back of his hands, against slate-gray skin. He didn't have wings, but then, Jake had never been sure which demons had them and which didn't. 

"And what makes you think I'd know where any centaurs are?" the demon asked.

"Alex?" Jake offered weakly, and brought the message up on his phone. He flipped it around to show Karkat. "See, I was exchanging info with this fellow who said that they'd run into a centaur herd here and they said to ask you for more information and say that Alex sent me along and -- "

"Look," Karkat said. He breathed evenly through his nose, then out through his mouth. Jake could see pointed teeth. For a moment he was genuinely worried that this demon was about to jump over the bar and devour him whole. But Karkat just brought one hand -- one black-nailed hand -- up to rub his forehead. "I don't know who Alex is. Or, I probably do, but do you know how many of you assholes are named Alex? Humans have no imaginations! Alex this. Samuel that, and -- what was your name?"

Jake wished he could have given some really unique name, but he was too on the spot to even come up with a convincing like. "Um, Jake," he said, sheepishly.

"See!" Karkat threw his arms upward. "That's exactly the sort of shit that I'm talking about! You think if someone walked in here tomorrow and was like, oh, hey, Jake said to say hello, I'd have any fucking idea which Jake they were referring to? It could be you! It could be that guy who was in here and started a fight three days ago! Hell, it could be Gyllenhaal." Karkat sighed, leaned onto his elbows on the bar, and, thoughtfully, said, "I wish it was Gyllenhaal."

"Um," Jake said.

Karkat's red eyes turned on him. "Don't tell me you don't know who Jake fucking Gyllenhaal is."

"Of course I know who Jake Gyllenhaal is!" Jake responded without any thought, almost offended. "Prince of Persia was a flippin' masterwork!" 

"Of all of Gyllenhaal's movies to call a masterwork," the incubus said, "you're going to name Prince of Persia? Not Love And Other Drugs? Not fucking _Brokeback Mountain?_ God, are all humans as fucking tasteless?" Still, Karkat's pupils had gone round again, and he sighed. "What in the sweet fuck do you want with centaurs?"

A woman, just behind Jake, giggled.

"Shut up, Jade," Karkat said.

"Well, I mean, what do you think he wants, Karkat?" Jake was startled when the ponytailed woman dropped down on the barstool next to him, on the other side from his bag. "People who want centaur information are only ever after one thing, and I think you should know that better than most!" 

"Wait," Jake said, "what is that supposed to mean?"

"It's supposed to mean that Jade Harley needs to mind her own fucking business if she doesn't want me to tell her grandfather all about her werewolf dalliances!" Karkat snapped. The girl -- Jade -- rolled her eyes visibly behind thick, round glasses, and gave Jake a grin.

"He's really harmless once you get to know him," she said, in a stage whisper clearly intended for Karkat to hear. "He's all bark and no bite, really. Couldn't hurt a fly." 

"Shut _up,_ Harley!" 

"Anyway, it's not like Grandpa would even care," Jade said, leaning on her own elbows. Close up, Jake could see the tattoo on her shoulder was a stylized wolf. "Karkat, you really have no idea of the sort of stories he's been telling me since I was six. It's not a coincidence I got interested in this whole thing, you know!" 

"I really, really, do not want to hear details," Karkat said, and pretended to busy himself cleaning a glass. Jake, for his part, did busy himself with his drink. 

"Sure," Jade said. "I never really wanted them, either. But really, Karkat, what's the worst thing that could happen? If you tell him about the centaur herd and he finds them ... what do you think is going to happen, exactly?" 

The incubus pinched his mouth to one side, a single fang protruding from below his top lip. "Lots of things could happen," he said, but he didn't sound especially convinced. 

"Oh, yeah, like what? I'll tell you what's _probably_ going to happen. Jake here will find the centaurs and make his case to them, and they'll immediately tell him to fuck off because they don't want anything to do with him, especially since he's clearly just a tailhunter looking for a lay!" Karkat nodded slightly, seeming to consider that, and Jade gave Jake a slightly wincing smile. "No offense," she said. "But that's the luck everybody else has had with the herd." 

"So -- Alex -- "

"Was probably just looking to make a quick buck," Jade said. "Sorry." 

That didn't matter that much, compared to everything else she'd just said. "But there is a herd, then. Out there, on the plains. Not even that far away?" 

"Um," Jade said, and now she fully winced.

"Oh, what the hell," Karkat said. "Yes. There's a herd. About seventy centaurs, mixed gender, and really goddamn unfriendly to humans and especially to 'hunters. So if you want to press your luck with them, you're sure welcome to try, but don't come crying to me if they kick you upside your dumb fucking head. You'd be better off trying to lure out a chupacabra or looking for those fucking snake men that Lovecraft types keep pretending are real."

"But there _are_ centaurs," Jake pointed out. "There aren't any Yig-whatever snake men and chupacabras almost never come out, but you just said -- " 

"Yes!" Karkat snapped. He pulled a bottle of dark red liquid off the shelf behind the bar, taking a long swig. It smelled like tar and smoke. "If you're going to insist on going, I'll tell you where they are, but don't say I didn't warn you." He squinted at Jake. "And absolutely don't fucking tell them I sent you," he said. "Open your damn Google Maps. I'll tell you where I saw them last." 

A few minutes later, Jake stepped out of the Roost, shielding his eyes against the sun, which seemed to be glaring directly down into his eyes. He'd given Karkat a hefty tip for the information, but he couldn't help but feel that something was missing -- that Karkat, or Jade, or maybe even fuckfindr, hadn't told him everything. And that was silly. _Obviously_ fuckfindr hadn't told him everything, especially if Jade was right and he hadn't actually spent any time with the herd. But Karkat and Jade didn't have any reasons to hold anything back. Especially given that Karkat had emphasized -- seven times -- that the herd might have moved on since he last saw them. 

Still, it niggled at him.

"Hey!"

He turned back to see Jade leaning out of the bar. She glanced both ways, then dashed over to him. "I hope Karkat didn't put you off," she said. "He's just sort of, um, protective."

"Because he's an incubus, right?" Jake said. "Of course, like looking out for like. I'd want to do the same thing for my compatriots, were I in his shoes, and --"

"What?" Jade asked, furrowing her brow. A moment passed as Jake wondered what had been unclear about what he'd just said, and then, "Oh!" She nodded vigorously. "Yeah, that's exactly it. Anyway, if you do find them ... keep in mind that it's not personal, okay? If they don't want to talk to you. Texas is pretty much where everybody comes to look for centaurs, unless they've got plans to look for gorgons or something too, over in Greece. So they've dealt with a lot of nosy tourists trying to take photos, and a _lot_ of tailhunters." 

"I ... know," Jake said, befuddled. "I wasn't exactly intending to get all high-falutin about it if they chase me off! I've read plenty about centaurs, you know, and -- "

"And," Jade cut him off, "all the reading in the world can't prepare you for the real thing! So try not to make an idiot of yourself, okay?" She held out a bottle to him, which he hesitantly took and examined. Whiskey. "They don't like coming into town much, but they like to drink," she said. "Maybe you can win them over if you give them a peace offering." 

"I, um," Jake said, fishing in his pocket for cash.

"No, just take it! I can afford it. You just have to promise to come back to the Roost and tell us how it goes, okay?" 

Jake shot a glance back toward the door. He could, through the glass, see the dark shape of Karkat moving around behind the bar. "I'm pretty sure he doesn't want me to come back," he said in a low voice.

"Oh, come on, don't be stupid. He would love if you came back! Just because he's cranky doesn't mean he hates you. And he'd especially love it if you came back and you had _stories_ to tell." Jade grinned, displaying a pair of buck teeth. "He's a _real_ hopeless romantic, and you know centaurs are about as romantic as they get!" 

"Um," Jake said.

Jade pushed the bottle further into his hands. "Good luck!" she chirped. "And see you again!"

Then she vanished back into the bar. Jake stared after her, but she just returned to the bar and seemed to immediately engage in another conversation with Karkat, so he turned away. The whiskey got shoved into his backpack and, stepping out into the street, he hailed a cab.

* * *

TG: so   
TG: whats the haps  
GT: Well i *think* the haps is that theres a herd about two hours from here so ive got to pony up for a jalopy tomorrow and head out on the open road.  
GT: But let me tell you rox getting that information was mighty friggin weird.  
GT: There was an incubus bartender at that tailhunter bar i went to!  
TG: wut  
TG: is that like  
TG: normal  
TG: down there  
GT: I dont know! Maybe! The states have all those weird purity laws and from what i know about texas it tends to be more purity obsessed than most so maybe?  
GT: He didnt exactly act like it was normal but i mean im not exactly used to the states and were pretty handsoff about tailhunting and the like down under.  
GT: Anyway he did give me information but it was mighty odd and he was awful cagey and i dont really get why.  
GT: I guess because hes an incubus? Maybe hes worried ill take advantage of the centaurs or something.  
GT: Maybe its like a mutual pact thing he has with them like you look out for me ill look out for you and scare any hunters off your trail!  
GT: Shit rox maybe karkat gave me the complete wrong information but i like to think that if he had jade would have said something?  
GT: Im in way over my head here ive got to say.   
GT: Everything really is bigger in texas including how friggin confusing things are!  
TG: jake calm down  
TG: whos karkat and whos jade  
TG: youre losing me here  
GT: Karkats the demon bartender guy and jades a hunter who was at the bar and convinced him to give me the information.  
GT: It wasnt exactly charitable though he only did it because she told him that they probably wouldnt want to talk to me.   
GT: Which i mean is probably just the straight dick.  
TG: jake how many conversations have we had about that phrase  
GT: Well i mean its true isnt it?  
GT: Centaurs never want to talk to anybody and they can probably smell tailhunters a mile away! Im not exactly going to be able to waltz on up to them and bat my eyelashes like a debutante at a coming out party.   
TG: i have no idea what that has to do with the phrase straight dick being awful but yeah jake you knew that when you went down there  
TG: dont tell me youre getting cold feet  
TG: jake golgothasterror english  
TG: what will ur commenters say  
TG: smh  
GT: I mean. They dont have to know.  
TG: jake unless you make a post with explicit details about the centaur d they will one hundred percent know  
TG: you can play at being mysterious and coy all u want but with centaurs coy always means you got 2 things:  
TG: jack and shit  
GT: Yeah speaking of that! Jade said she bets that fuckfindr guy didnt actually get with any of the centaurs and was just looking to make a quick buck off their location. What a bunch of hooey. I really did chump up on that one i guess.  
TG: not rly  
TG: i mean there ARE taurs there arent there  
GT: Well.  
GT: Yeah.  
TG: so one way or another fuckfindr got you the info they agreed to give you  
TG: no harm no foul  
TG: just means you dont get their sloppy seconds  
GT: Eugh i wish you wouldnt put it that way.  
TG: smh jake this is not the time to grow a sense of prudishness  
TG: what time you going taur hunting in the morning  
TG: you should post about the incubus bartender thatd get you hella clicks  
TG: also probably get that bar some more business if you know what i mean ;) ;) ;) ;)  
GT: I think karkatd hate that actually!  
GT: He made a big ol production about feeling like a sideshow act. The demon who doesnt want to fuck anybody and so forth.  
GT: So maybe its best that i keep that bit to me myself and i for now.  
TG: his loss i guess  
TG: weird incubus to not want attention tho  
GT: I mean weird incubus in general! What kind of demon tends a bar in midafternoon???  
TG: jaaaaake youre killing me   
TG: what time are you heading out  
GT: Oh um.  
GT: I dont know probably pretty early. Id like to try and find the herd before it gets too hot or anything but im not sure how thatll go over. At the very least though id like to either have found them or be on my way back before it gets dark.   
TG: youre gonna give up after just one attempt?   
TG: come on english i thought you were an outdoorsman  
TG: stop trying to wuss out of this  
TG: get ur tent and ur jerky and stop being such a fuckin shrimp  
TG: every time u come whinin to me u know this is what im gonna say  
TG: at this point im starting to think u do it on purpose   
GT: Why i never!  
TG: more like why u always  
TG: seriously jake this is becoming a worrying trend  
TG: if u wanna give up the hunt just fuckin give it up  
TG: go find a non weird incubus to get you laid and call off the centaurs thing but for real jake  
TG: you want this bad and we both know it  
TG: jake english tailhunter extraordinaire  
TG: one of the few  
TG: the proud  
TG: the horsefuckers  
GT: Alright alright.  
GT: Youre right.  
GT: Its just hard not to let all the stories go to your head you know!  
TG: i do know  
TG: but thats why if anybody can do it you can  
TG: youre more stubborn than you like to let on   
TG: but im not going to let you chicken out on this one just because it got too hard  
TG: (haha too hard)  
TG: anyway i know you aint never forgiven yourself for giving up on bigfoot so buckle in mister  
TG: youre in this one for the long haul  
GT: Damn it roxy i just knew you were going to bring up the sasquatch thing.  
TG: its my contractual obligation as your bffsy  
GT: I dont remember signing this contract.  
TG: well duh jake it was my contract  
TG: anyway go get some sleep handsome its got to be getting pretty late down there and youve got to be bright eyed and bushy tailed to seduce some cute horse peeps tomorrow  
GT: Yeah i guess.  
GT: I really dont think this is gonna go anywhere rox.  
TG: but youll regret it if you dont even try  
GT: Yeah.  
TG: yep  
TG: so go get your beauty sleep  
TG: ill tell jane you said howdy pardner thats appropriately texan  
GT: And how.  
GT: Night roxy sleep well. Dont let the bedbugs bite.  
TG: ill do my best jakester  
TG: good luck tomorrow  
GT: Yeah.

* * *

The parking lot Jake managed to find was a run-down, potholed thing riddled with cracks, seemingly abandoned for what looked like upwards of a decade. A sign against the side of the lot read _WILD PRAIRIE NATURE PRESERVE,_ with small white writing underneath it and a picture of some old gent that Jake assumed had founded the place. In any case, it didn't seem to be especially well-looked after, which was probably why centaurs had moved in. Fewer people, less chance of being disturbed, and much less likely to attract tourists than one of those parks with the full dog-and-pony show of rangers, campgrounds, and god knew what else. 

He turned off the car, considering one last time if this was really happening, but it was easy to remind himself of what Roxy had said to him last night. He really didn't want "that time in Texas" to be the new "that thing with Bigfoot," and his return flight wasn't even booked yet. What was he going to do, turn up at the airport and just sheepishly fly back to Canada? Weather Jane's questions as to whether he'd finally given up on this odd hobby of his and was willing to --

No, he didn't need to think about that either. Head on straight, English. He climbed out of the car, opening his trunk to grab his backpack, and turned to examine the sign at the edge of the lot.

It wasn't especially helpful. There was a loosely drawn map of the edges of the sanctuary, but that was nothing Google couldn't tell him. The herd was supposedly right near the middle of the preserve, which meant a good, at least, twenty miles of hiking. Jake hoped they'd moved a little more toward his side of things -- he didn't exactly want to spend a good two days hiking out just to hike two more back when -- _if,_ he corrected himself -- things went south. 

Well, if things did go south, at least he had that whiskey from Jade. 

He locked the car, took a deep breath, and started off down what appeared to be a decrepit walking trail. Likely it'd crumble or at least veer away from the direction he wanted before long, but for now, he could spare his feet the trouble of trying to find their own footing. 

For a nature preserve, Jake didn't see that much nature. Maybe it was just that he was exceptionally noisy, or maybe all the wildlife had also gotten the message and moved on to greener pastures. Once, as he was stepping off the fading walking path, he saw what he thought were deer, far over the horizon, practically nothing more than a smudge. A few jackrabbits darted through the brush and he would have bet dollars to donuts that there were rattlers not far behind them. Somewhere overhead, a hawk called, but he didn't see anything when he looked up -- except the endless blue sky and the bright, hot sun.

Why on earth had he come to Texas in frigging June? He wished he'd at least waited until September, or something, but then there was the chance that the herd would have moved on, or that someone else would have taken the information and run with it. Or ...

There was no point in thinking about it. He wiped sweat from his forehead. A few trees lined the horizon, rising out from the tall grass. He was pretty sure he could already feel several bug bites lining his legs -- this was why Roxy kept lecturing him for hiking in shorts, after all. A glance at his watch showed he'd been walking for three hours, which meant he'd probably covered at least eight miles. 

He still had a long way to go.

That was, at least, what he thought until when, taking his lunch in the shade of one of those trees, he raised a hand to look over the landscape and saw a bigger, rougher smudge of movement against the horizon. The smudge got bigger, turned, then got bigger again, until Jake managed to pick out bodies from within the shape. He could make out that there were four-legged creatures there, but -- he swallowed so hard he nearly choked -- instead of the necks and heads he might have expected from wild horses, they had human torsos with heads of hair in every color he could imagine. 

He jumped to his feet, keeping his hand shading his eyes to be sure that it wasn't just a trick of the heat, but no, they were real. He couldn't count them all, but fuckfindr and Karkat had both said there were seventy or seventy-five of them, and it was a number he could definitely believe as he tried to make out their shapes. Some of them were shirtless, while others seemed to be wearing clothes; most of them seemed to have long hair that was braided or pulled into ponytails. Some were pale and some were dark; their horse halves ran the gamut from black to white to gold to spotted appaloosa. He could see their tails flicking back and forth as they moved closer still, breaking into individuals and groups. There were adults and children and leggy, awkward adolescents still growing into their full size.

The herd, as one, paused, and Jake realized they'd seen him. There was a long, almost precipitous moment as the centaurs milled about, a few of the ones at the lead watching him near unblinking. One stepped ahead, apart from the rest, examining him, but aside from long, black hair in an elaborate braid, he couldn't make out many of their features. 

A moment later, the herd was scattering. 

"No, no, shit!" Jake ran forward, waving his arms. "Hey! Wait! I don't mean you any harm! Hold up!" 

It wasn't any good. What looked like half the herd turned back the way they'd come, soon enough turning back into a smudge on the horizon. The other half scattered every which way except toward Jake, tails streaming behind them as they galloped away. He lowered his arms. The closer ones weren't so much as giving him a second glance, except -- 

Except for one that _was_ running right at him. Jake flung himself back toward the trees, suddenly and completely certain that he was about to be trampled by an angry centaur. He should have just signed this off as being the new "thing with Bigfoot," but no! He'd had to let Roxy talk him out of slinking back home with his tail between his legs, and now an angry horseman was about to run him down. The hoofbeats crushing the tall grass got louder and louder. He started to try and scramble up the closest tree, but all the branches were too high. Despite the fact that Jake didn't consider himself a religious man, this was far from the first time he'd started frantically muttering a prayer in the face of danger. 

The hoofbeats, abruptly, stopped. 

"Hey." 

Jake didn't dare look over his shoulders. "Oh don't mind me," he babbled desperately, "just passing through! On my way from here to there you know how it is and all that! Hell I imagine your sort know better than just about anyone! I'll be out of your hair in two shakes! Swear up and down and cross my heart and hope to -- "

"Calm down." 

Jake, at last, let himself glance over his shoulder. A centaur that looked maybe the equivalent of in his early twenties stood before him, tail flicking in irritation. Its human half was flat-chested and pale, speckled with freckles, with a head full of short-cut, strawberry blond hair. Its horse half was roughly the same reddish gold as its hair, and its eyes were a bright, strange red, almost the same color as Karkat's eyes had been. Jake held up his hands, trying to look non-threatening as he shrank against the tree trunk, smiling pleasantly. The centaur folded its arms, looking completely unconvinced. 

"You a hunter, or just a tourist?" he asked. 

"Just, um, out for a hike," Jake said. "See, that's my pack right over there. I didn't mean to spook you and your herd at all. You just caught me off guard! I wasn't expecting -- " He cut himself off, but it was too late. The centaur's nostrils flared as it thinned its lips.

"You weren't expecting us to be this close to the edge of the park, yeah, I fuckin' get it." One hoof pawed at the dirt in apparent agitation. "So, answer my question, dude. Are you a hunter, or a tourist?"

"Um," Jake said, still attempting to smile in a way he hoped was disarming. "Now, mister -- you are a mister, aren't you? I'm not sure what sort of hunter goes looking for centaurs."

The centaur looked unimpressed. "You know exactly what sort of hunter I'm talking about," he said. "And your answer makes that pretty clear. We don't take to your kind 'round these parts, alright? So you can head right back into town. Tell whatever hunters you're with we're not interested, and we ain't likely to change our minds. You understand?" 

"Um," Jake repeated. 

The centaur examined him for a long moment, then shook his head and sighed. "Go home, dude." And with that, he turned around and trotted off, tail moving with both the motion of his legs and with the slight breeze that had kicked up over the plains. Jake watched the centaur keep running until he was barely a dot, and then gone completely. The rest of the herd had long-since dissipated, and the plains were once again as empty as they had been minutes before. 

His heart was somewhere in his throat. He could feel it slowing at the back of his throat, right between his lungs. He took a long, deep breath, feeling like it was the first he'd taken since he'd seen the herd. 

Well.

Now he really couldn't leave well enough alone. 

It was like getting a whiff of a fine steak after going hungry for a month. Jake might not have been literally -- nor sexually -- starving, but a brush with a real-life honest-to-god centaur stoked a fire in him. All his terror from a few minutes ago was gone, and all his reluctance from the past few days might as well have never existed. This would _not_ be a repeat of the Bigfoot incident. He was going to chase down that herd and find somebody in it to romance beyond words, and whammo. He'd have that horse-sized notch on his bedpost in no time, and lots of stories to tell beyond that.

He scooped up his pack and water bottle, hurriedly pulling the straps of his bag over his shoulders as he tried to gauge the way the herd had gone. They might have partially scattered, but they'd reunite later, and it made the most sense to follow the biggest group. They'd largely run back toward the -- he checked his compass -- east, so he started off with a renewed spring in his step.

The spring had faded after another two hours of walking without so much as a glance of the creatures. The tall grass had given way to sandy dust, and while he could see hoofprints -- a big storm of them -- it was impossible to tell if they were recent or not. The herd might have just come this way, or they might have thrown him off and led him to a weeks-old trail. It was a lot easier not to get cold feet now that he knew the taurs were out here, but it was definitely still niggling at him that maybe it would have been wiser to call the whole thing off. 

Well, too late now. He lifted his water bottle to take a long drink, surveying the landscape where the dusty ground again gave way to tall grass. The grass wasn't flattened or trampled at all, so Jake paused to consider which direction to go next instead.

Then, something in the brush rustled, and Jake lowered his water. The grass moved as though caught in a strong breeze, and then parted around a very scrawny coyote, teeth bared and ears flattened against its head. 

"Uh, howdy, there, buddy," Jake said. The coyote was awfully small to be a were, but there was always a chance. Plenty of lycans preferred living on nature preserves, where they could run free. "Don't suppose you can give me a hand with tracking down some horsey pals of yours, can you?" 

The coyote started growling.

Probably not a were, then. Jake inched backwards, trying to look harmless. His best guess was that there was a den somewhere nearby and the coyote was defending its pups; it was being awfully aggressive, otherwise. "I'll just," he said, even though he knew the animal definitely couldn't understand him, "I'll just head back this way, then, I don't want any trouble."

But now the animal was advancing. He could see one of its ears was tattered and chewed, and its tail was pointed almost straight behind it. It certainly didn't look inclined to just let him run away. 

This was why Roxy kept telling him to bring his frigging guns with him -- well, this, and opportunistic tarantula people in Panama. He kept inching backwards, but the coyote kept inching forwards, and he was pretty sure with every step it was gaining ground on him. He wanted to start running, but he was almost certain that if he did, the animal would be on him in half a second. 

Hoofbeats came up out of nowhere, suddenly deafening and close even though Jake hadn't heard them at all a moment before. The coyote cringed back as a centaur came to a sharp, rearing stop in between Jake and the animal. Its hooves flailed in the air for a moment before the centaur fell back to all fours, tail flickering. For an instant, Jake thought that it was the same centaur that had confronted him a few hours ago, but as the dust settled, he realized that even though this one's horse body was closer to a deep auburn color, with bright ginger hair styled up behind it like it had been caught in a harsh wind. 

The coyote stilled, snarling, for a minute before tucking its ears back, pulling its tail down, and then full-on running back into the grass. Jake could again feel his heart in his throat, pounding just behind his adam's apple, the sound of it echoing through his head like a drum in his skull.

The centaur turned to face him. It had a fairly plain, long face, with white skin that was just as freckled as the other centaur had been. It had orange eyes -- amber, maybe -- set behind long lashes, and a slightly crooked nose. There was a pack slung around its waist. 

"You alright?" the centaur asked.

"I, um," Jake said. "Yes, I'm spiffy. Erm, I mean to say -- " He tried his best to swallow his heartbeat. "Thanks a million for helping me out, there," he said. "I didn't expect I'd be seeing any of you after the whole thing earlier, when -- "

"Whole thing earlier?" it said, furrowing its brow. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Had the first centaur not said anything to the rest of the herd? "Ah, well, no worries, then! I owe you quite a favor, there, pally-o. Didn't know what I was going to do about that bit without my ol' Saturday night special on me!"

The centaur further furrowed its brow. "What the hell is a Saturday night special?" 

"Erm, a gun! It's a gun. I have one with me usually. Well, sometimes. Well ... sometimes, sometimes." Jake felt like he was choking on his tongue. "Anyhoo, I'm Jake English and it's a pleasure to meet you! Is there a way I can make this up to you? One good turn deserves another and all that." He held out one hand.

The centaur raised an eyebrow, now. It lowered its front legs a bit, reaching down to shake Jake's hand. "I'm Dirk," it said. "Nice to meet you, I guess. What the hell's a city slicker like you doing out here?" 

"Oh, you know," Jake said, waving a hand and trying his very best not to sound as inept and ridiculous as he'd sounded with the other centaur. "Just out and about, I'm a bit of an outdoorsman! I, um, I run a blog about it! And that's about it, really. But boy howdy was I not expecting to run into a coyote! A real one, I mean, not one of those weres these parts have all over the place."

"Yeah," Dirk said, still seemingly bemused. "Well, you're welcome. You need directions?" 

"Nope!" Jake said. "I'm roughing it for a few days! Camping out and taking photos and the whole nine yards. I've just got to find me a place to set up my tent and sleeping bag and I'll be all set to go!"

"Cool," Dirk said, pulling his hand back. "I guess I'll leave you to it, then."

"Hold up!" Jake interrupted. Dirk, already half-turned around, turned back again.

This was the closest Jake had ever gotten to a centaur, and this one, at least, wasn't telling him to fuck off forever. So he had the brief, vivid image of Dirk cantering off into the prairie forever, never seeing him again, when he seemed like a perfectly nice chap and certainly as good a place to start as any. He seemed especially romanceable, and -- well, the rest of the herd was nowhere in sight, for now. Maybe if Dirk was the one to introduce Jake to them, they'd be less skittish.

"Well!" Jake continued, before he could have second thoughts. "I could actually use your help finding a place to settle down for the night, to be honest. I'm from out of town -- out of dagnabbed _country,_ actually -- so I don't know the best way to spot rattlers and the like, but I bet you do!" 

The centaur peered down at him like he was trying to decide whether Jake was sincere or trying to run some kind of con. Ultimately, he must have decided that Jake couldn't be that threatening.

"Sure," he said. "Follow me." He made a come-here gesture with the fingers on one hand, turned around, and started off toward the treeline, moving slowly enough that Jake found it no trouble at all to do as he was told and tag right along.

* * *

SUBJECT: PREY SPOTTED!!!

Ladies and gents friends romans and countrymen youll never believe whats just happened or where im posting from RIGHT NOW.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The poster colors on Jake's blog do not indicate any identities of the users ... besides Roxy, of course. 
> 
> Find me on tumblr at [@stormsbourne!](http://stormsbourne.tumblr.com/)


	3. A horsefolk Average Joe

The centaur led Jake to a small clearing among scrub-brush trees and even scrubbier shrubs. Jake supposed it was probably some kind of variation on sagebrush, but gave it a wide berth just in case as he fumbled his phone back into his pocket. He'd had one too many run-ins with poison ivy and poison oak in his time, and that was without getting into the chance that the plant might be looking for some other kind of sustenance than just air, sunlight, and water. He'd never actually encountered one of those devious vegetables in the wild, but Roxy certainly had and Jake had come away from the story deciding it was firmly not worth the risk.

Dirk, however, didn't seem to mind. He cantered between a few of the plants, but outright trampled a third as he led Jake into the grass. He turned to face Jake and put his hands on what would have been his waist, if he was a human.

"I hope you have a sleeping bag or something on you, dude," Dirk said. "This is tick country." Jake must have pulled a face, because Dirk's eyebrows climbed up his slim, awkward face. "Have you not fuckin' dealt with ticks before? Is that why you're wearing shorts?"

"No!" Jake said, and then, "I mean, yes! Of course I've dealt with ticks, I'm -- I'm a hiker! And an adventurer! I've dealt with plenty of ticks and worse besides!" He had dealt with exactly one tick. He didn't want to share that story with the centaur, though. There was too much crying involved, and it was certainly not remotely romantic _or_ sexy. "I'm wearing shorts because they make my gams look stunning! I can deal with a few ticks here and there for the sake of fashion!" 

Dirk did not look impressed. Jake flashed the centaur a grin, though he could feel that it was a little shaky. 

"Well, I guess it's your funeral," the centaur said. He circled the tall grass, stomping it down a bit. "It'd be better if you had a tent, but I guess we'll deal with your parasite problems come morning, if you've got 'em."

"I have a tent," Jake said, crossing his arms automatically. "This isn't my first rodeo! Like I said, adventuring and the like is my whole M.O! I've gone this long without getting myself in the weeds, you know." 

"Well," Dirk said, his voice completely deadpan, "you seem to be standing in the weeds right now, from what I can see." 

Jake blinked and started to ask what Dirk meant, but the centaur had already turned around and was fumbling with something in the pack at his waist. Jake watched the way the muscles of his horse half moved, and then his eyes roamed downward. Dirk's dick wasn't visible right now, but oh, lordy, how big was it going to flippin' be when Jake got it to show? His eyes kept moving as he considered the best way to romance Dirk. Maybe Dirk wasn't like the other centaurs? Maybe he didn't need to be romanced. He glanced over the grass, over a circle of rocks in the midst of a sandy spot -- clearly a former campfire of some kind -- and then away. 

Jake's eyes eventually reached his own feet and he blinked. He was standing in what seemed to be a little pool of dandelions, all of them bright yellow and not a single one gone to fluff. His eyes shot back up to Dirk, who still wasn't looking at him.

Had that weeds comment been a flipping joke?

He sure hadn't sounded like he'd been making a joke. His tone had been as flat as freaking asphalt, or as the plains spreading away around them. Jake shoved his hands into his pockets, frowning, as Dirk pulled something on over his torso and then turned back around.

He was wearing a freaking poncho.

He looked like an illustration from an old western storybook. All he was missing was the hat and maybe the smouldering cigarette, and he'd have been riding right along with any of the most famous cowboys Jake could name. Maybe he'd also have a saddle, in some of the more risque publications. He pressed one hand to his mouth to keep himself from snickering aloud. 

"Yeah, yeah, get it out," Dirk said, and lowered himself into the grass. His golden-red legs folded themselves up and, for the first time since Jake had seen him, Dirk was the shorter of the two. Though, Jake realized as he walked up to the centaur, not by that much. He still came up to Jake's pecs, instead of the other way around. Jake stepped over the stomped-down grass, spotting a pair of trees he could use as support for his tent, and stood a good few feet from Dirk as he gauged what to do next. Dirk looked up at him, then gestured.

"You can sit, if you want," he said.

"What about those ticks?" Jake asked.

Dirk shrugged, a movement that was barely visible underneath his poncho. It was a plain, orangey-brown thing, darker at the edges with worn fringe like it had been worn too often and not washed enough. "If we get bit, we get bit," he said. "It'll be easier to deal with them with another person around, don't you think?"

That was fair. Still, Jake scoured the little hideaway they were in until he found a suitable log to drag over, sitting on it instead of immersing himself fully in the grass. 

"Good idea," Dirk said. "Now you can deal with termites, instead of just ticks."

Jake had a niggling feeling that was a joke, too, but it was really impossible to read this fellow. His face was as blank as an empty journal, and nothing he said seemed to bring any inflection to his voice. Even his horse body was as still as a statue, though his fingers picked hurriedly through the pack he wore, apparently distracted looking for something in addition to his ridiculous poncho. 

Jake pulled his own pack off his back and, accordingly, began to go through it. 

"So," Dirk said, as Jake unearthed the little bag that held his tent, "what brings an established hiker and adventurer to the middle of fuck-nowhere, Texas?"

Jake shrugged, placing the tent aside and picking up his water bottle, instead. When he looked up, Dirk was placing a blackberry in his mouth from a handkerchief full of them in one hand. His lips were delicate and pink. Jake imagined kissing them as Dirk wrapped strong arms around his waist. His mind wandered to thinking about how Dirk was practically in the perfect position to use those lips for something else, which, of course, led his mind down other entirely sexual avenues. 

Dirk chewed on the blackberry, then visibly swallowed. Jake felt himself swallow as well. 

"Cat got your tongue?" Dirk said, and Jake remembered too late that he'd been asked a question. He swallowed his thoughts, trying to fight off the inevitable arousal they'd bring with them with thoughts of his grandma tut-tutting him. That deflated his impending boner fast. Especially thinking of the look she'd have when he explained that actually, gran, it was a centaur. 

"Well!" Jake said, fishing for a quick story. "I'm not actually from the States, you know. Did I say that? I think I said that!" 

"You did say that," Dirk said, still flat-voiced. This time, though, his eyebrows rose a little over his dark-lashed eyes. Jake forced himself to focus on the uneven pattern of freckles across his nose. He wondered if it was common for centaurs to have freckles.

"Right, well," Jake said. "I'm from Australia, to be honest, but I've been living in the north for the last few years! You know, the true north! Strong and free!" 

"The what, now?" 

Dirk's face was blank. Jake gave him a minute to try and figure it out, but that minute went by without as much as a wink of comprehension on Dirk's face. So, instead, he sighed. "Canada?" he offered, plaintively. 

"Oh. Yeah, sure, Canada." Dirk nodded. He turned away from Jake to grab a waterskin -- on the other side of his waist from his pseudo-fanny-pack -- and take a drink. Jake took the minute to consider Dirk's face. It was kind of plain and strange looking, but he'd certainly been with worse-looking monsters in the past. It was, at least, a decidedly human face. Jake had found he tended to veer toward things that looked more human, given a choice about it. It wasn't that he hadn't enjoyed his time with the snakemen or the sirens, but he just ... liked being able to look something in the eye and be able to tell it was enjoying the sex as much as he was. "Weird place to come," Dirk continued, "if you're from Canada. Wouldn't you be looking for like, mountains to climb?" 

"Well, hotshot," Jake fired back, swigging from his own water bottle, "maybe being from Canada, I've seen way crazier mountains than anything! I mean, do American mountains even really compare?" 

"Isn't Denali American?" 

"Pfft. I've climbed Denali," Jake replied, effortlessly. He had never been anywhere near Denali. He was pretty sure it was in Alaska, but then again, maybe he'd misremembered. Maybe it was in ... Maine? Colorado? He thought he had heard of some pretty tall mountains in Colorado. And Maine just ... sounded like it might have mountains in it?

The States were so damn confusing. 

Besides that, he _had_ climbed a lot of mountains. Just ... not Canadian ones. Or American ones! He'd climbed several ranges in Europe while looking for yetis, though he'd been even less successful in that than Roxy had. And he'd always wanted to climb Everest. Not even for the 'hunting -- though really, if there was anyplace a strange and exotic monster was likely to hide, Everest seemed like the place -- but just to say he had. Surely that counted.

"Huh, then I guess I can't call you out on that," Dirk said. "Still, weird choice to come to like, Texas. We don't exactly have a lot of tourist attractions outside the big cities, unless by 'tourist attractions' you mean 'nothing.'"

"I needed a break from all the mountains?" Jake attempted. Dirk's eyebrows had slid back to their normal position, but now one arched in a way Jake would almost describe as delicate. He watched Jake as he chewed another blackberry, and then shrugged.

"Your loss," he said. "Hope you enjoy your share of tumbleweeds, 'cause that's what we've got instead. Just shitloads and shitloads of tumbleweeds."

"I do love westerns," Jake admitted. "You lead me to one of those rough-and-tumble cowboy towns and I'll wander right into the saloon without a second thought." 

Though he looked straight out of one of those westerns, Dirk didn't budge. "Don't know any," he said. "Or, at least, I'm pretty sure there ain't been any around these parts for a few decades. That's how it goes, you know, with civilized society. Everyone moves into Houston and Austin and leaves the little mining towns in the dust." He wrapped up his handkerchief, stained with blackberry spots, and stuffed it into his pack. "So I guess if you're here to see the inevitable, depressing cycle of human civilization, you've come to the right place." He wrinkled his nose. "Or close enough to the right place. Not much dead civilization to observe, in a fuckin' national park." 

Jake shrugged. "When you're not from the States, Texas is practically the only one you really hear about," he said. Especially for a tailhunter, but he left that part out. "Texas and New York and, um, Washington. Since I'm from B.C., I'd be in a right sorry state if I didn't know my neighbors." 

"Well, I guess I can't contest that," Dirk said. "Texans do tend to talk a lot about ourselves. Remember the Alamo, and all that shit."

"What's the Alamo," Jake said, without really making it a question.

"Nevermind," Dirk replied. "Anyway, I can't fuckin' fathom why you picked a wildlife preserve, but I guess you're here now. Do you want directions to like, some landmarks, or something? Are you lost? Do you need me to point you out of the park?"

"Nope!" Jake said, and reached down into his bag again. He caught Dirk watching him like Dirk thought he was about to pull a knife. Jake raised his other hand, open-palmed, trying to indicate that he didn't mean any harm. Meanwhile, he wrapped the fingers of his first hand around the neck of the whiskey bottle Jade had given him, pulling it out with a bit of a flourish. "Ta-da!" 

Dirk looked down at the bottle, befuddled. His thin eyebrows arched again. "What's the occasion?" he asked. "You celebrating your timely arrival in the middle of fuck-all, nowhere?" 

"Well," Jake said, trying to sound unfazed, "I just thought it might be nice to share a bit of moonshine with a new friend! Are you the teetotaller sort, bud? I've never heard of a centaur who was." 

"You can't trust everything you hear," Dirk said. Jake, hesitantly, started to put the bottle back into his bag. Dirk waved a hand to stop him. "I'll be happy to," he said, "but not now. I know it's five o'clock somewhere, and shit, but that place ain't here." Jake flipped his wrist over to check his watch, but before he could, Dirk amended, "Maybe literally, but not figuratively." 

It was only four, anyway. Jake shrugged and went back to digging things out of his bag. Back in went the whiskey. Out came a pair of tent poles -- he probably wouldn't need them, with the trees, but it couldn't hurt to have them ready. A set of small pots and pans, his pocket knife ... He left his bedroll where it was, for now. A single dehydrated packet of chicken and rice. He considered it for a second, then dug out a second pack.

"The hell are those?" Dirk said. Jake tossed him a packet, and Dirk examined it. 

"Food!" Jake chirped. "They're military-style rations. You boil the packets in some water and then wham, bam, thank you ma'am, you've got a nice chicken-ricey meal before your eyes." Then he paused. He hoped he hadn't insulted the creature. "Your type _are_ omnivores, aren't they?"

"Yeah." Dirk turned the package over in his hands, squinting at the small writing. Jake already had what it said pretty much memorized, so he went back to digging through his pack. First aid kit. Clean pairs of socks. Lotion ...

"So," he said, as he dug through his things, "what brings you out here?"

Dirk blinked at him as though he'd grown a second head. "I live out here," he said, his eyebrows furrowing. 

"No, no, that's not what I mean," Jake corrected. "I mean, what are you doing out here on your own? I was under the impression that centaurs usually moved in herds. Don't you have a herd?" 

He was careful not to mention that he'd already seen one herd on the plains. It was likely that herd was the one Dirk belonged to. But then, Dirk hadn't recognized him earlier. And he hadn't known what Jake was talking about when he'd mentioned the encounter with the other centaur. Maybe Dirk had just been away from the herd when that happened. But, on the other hand, he wasn't in any hurry to go anywhere else. So, maybe he'd struck out on his own for some reason? Maybe he was a wandering adventurer, just like Jake claimed to be.

"Oh," Dirk said, drinking again from his wineskin. "I've got a herd, sure. I'm just ..." A grimace curled over his uneven jaw. "Taking a break from 'em, I guess," he said. "I needed a bit of time to get my head clear."

"Now!" Jake said. "Whyever would that be? You seem a perfectly likeable fellow." He seemed a bit less than likeable, truth be told. He was so flat-faced and unexpressive. It was impossible to tell when he was making a joke or attempting any kind of lightheartedness. He also wasn't honestly the most pleasant-looking chap that Jake had ever met. His cheekbones were a bit uneven, his skin pockmarked with red spots, with peeling pale skin over the bridge of his nose where an old sunburn had blistered. There was a white line over his shoulder where a strap had left a mark in the middle of his tan, and his hair was windswept and tangled. He was, altogether, not the sort of specimen Jake had expected he would be attempting to romance.

What he'd pictured instead ... well, it was closer to the centaur that had almost run him down. He couldn't exactly remember what the gent looked like, but he was pretty sure there had been richly tanned skin, strawberry blond hair, and a smattering of cute little freckles below piercing red eyes. That fellow had probably been a horsefolk adonis, and here Jake was with horsefolk Average Joe.

"They wouldn't say that, I suspect," Dirk said. Jake tried to remind himself that a beggar couldn't be much of a chooser. None of the herd he'd seen would likely put up with him. So, awkward-looking or not, Dirk was probably his best chance. Maybe, if he was estranged from the herd, he wouldn't even require romancing. That sounded like the sort of behavior a horse-fellow could get run out for. If his whole herd was looking to mate for life and he just wanted to sleep around ...

Dirk dashed his hopes an instant later. "I apparently start too much trouble. Get into too many fights. So me and them are taking a bit of a mutual break." He took another sip from his wineskin. "My brother's supposed to come find me whenever they're ready to welcome me back in. Or I could go looking for them and beg forgiveness, but let's be honest: I'm not going to fucking do that."

"Did you get in a row?" Jake asked, letting his own water bottle fall into his lap. "Who'd you get in a row with? Did you win?"

"I didn't get in a 'row,'" Dirk said, frowning. He pulled the strap of his wineskin back over his shoulder. "I just challenged the elder a bit too loudly and too often. So there was a mutual agreement that I should split. And I did." He shrugged. It was still barely visible under the thick orange cover of his poncho. "So, now I'm out here. On my own for a bit. If I see signs of the herd, I head away until they've gone by. Just not fuckin' worth dealing with, if you know what I mean." 

"I must admit," Jake said, "I haven't even the slightest. I've got my friends and family, and all, but it's mighty different from a whole flock like yours!" He climbed off the log, instead examining the fire circle. There was a faded black mark near the middle -- but less faded than he'd expected. "Has somebody been here recently?"

"Well," Dirk said. "Me." His tail whipped one way and then the other. "I was here a week or so ago. There's a lot of old human campsites all over this preserve. I tend to wander from one to the next. Easier to set myself up where there's already the basics laid out." His amber eyes slid down to the tightly-folded, hunter green tent Jake had set next to him on the log. "Speaking of, do you need any help setting that thing up?" 

"Oh, I'm an old hand at it by now!" Jake said. "Not that I'd turn down your help, if you're offering it." Immediately, he began to spin how he could make it romantically. He'd seen more than his share of romcoms, after all. Maybe he could struggle a bit with one of the poles, or maybe he would decide that the trees he'd picked out weren't sturdy enough. Dirk, being a big, strong centaur, would come on over to help, and their hands would brush ... Wham! He'd have horse D by the end of the night. He knew that he could be charming. Roxy liked to scold him for it, in fact. She always said that he had a tendency to string people along. And by gum, if he strung people along, then it couldn't be that much harder to string along a handsome horse chap. So, a hand brush, maybe a few compliments given here and there about how Dirk's ginger hair looked in the light of sunset ...

"Nah," Dirk said. "If you think you've got it, then feel free." He pulled himself to his full height, front legs first and then the rest following behind him. "I'll go get us some kindling and shit for the fire."

Before Jake could so much as protest, Dirk had turned away and his red-gold ass was vanishing into the grass and the shadows of the scrubby trees. Within a blink, he'd lost track of where Dirk had gone, and he didn't exactly want to call out and give the game away. Then again, he thought glumly as he climbed to his own feet, maybe he'd already given the game away and Dirk was just using firewood as an excuse to make a run for it. Wasn't that the sort of reaction Karkat had said he was likely to get? 

He trundled over to the trees he'd picked out and started setting up his tent. At this point it was practically instinct, and he didn't usually camp out in places with enough trees to set his tent up between them. That made his job a lot easier, though it sure didn't make it any more entertaining. He lost track of time as he pulled and pushed and tied and staked various parts of the tent. He was aware of the slow march of the sun across the sky, but he ignored it as he got to work. Once the tent was up, he went about sorting the rest of his bag, still forcing himself not to pay attention to how much time was going by. A nagging sensation in his stomach told him that Dirk wasn't coming back, but he tried not to indulge it, instead setting up the rest of his campsite.

He was down to arranging pots and pans when the sound of hooves caught him off guard. He looked up only an instant before Dirk cantered out of the grass, arms full of wood and twigs. He pulled himself to a stop. "Wow," he said, in his hefty Texas drawl, "you sure got a lot done." 

"I had plenty of time!" Jake replied, climbing up from the scattered cookware and trying to look proud and tall. It was difficult to do that, though, when he was still a set of heads shorter than the centaur he was attempting to impress. "You took your own sweet time, didn't you? It can't have taken that long to find some friggin' firewood!" 

"I don't know if you've noticed this," Dirk said, "but there's not a lot of trees on this preserve. It's mostly fuckin' plains." He trotted over to the remains of the previous fire, dropping the wood beside it. "And some swamp, down further to the south. You're lucky that ain't the part you chose to wander around in, 'cause I can tell you your tent would be about as useful as a concrete parachute if you were knee-deep in that shit." He let his legs fold him down into the grass again, leaning forward to start building a little cone out of twigs the way Jake had done fifty or sixty times. His height meant he had to strain downward to do it. 

"Oh, leave it, I'll get it," Jake said, already hurrying forward. He went to brush his fingers over Dirk's as he took over -- but Dirk pulled back faster than he'd expected, and the little pile of kindling collapsed in on itself. Jake let out a curse, and was rewarded with a snort from Dirk, which made him look up.

He wasn't openly laughing, but his lips were quirked slightly upward. "Sorry," he said. "I'm a clumsy motherfucker. I don't bother with fires a lot unless I'm in the mood, seeing as it's fucking June. And also," he swept one hand back to indicate his horse half, "I'm not exactly flexible." 

"Well," Jake said, hiding his scowl by looking down as he set up the twigs again, "I'm all too happy to help, my good fellow, you've only got to ask."

"I'm not really the sort who knows when to ask for help," Dirk said. Jake fumbled with his flint and steel, scraping sparks against the kindling. The sky was starting to go a little bit pink, now, and though it was still plenty warm out, he knew from experience that it was better to get the fire going before it got dark. Who knew what kind of predatory beasties roamed the Texas countryside? 

Maybe one would come along and give him a personal greeting. That might be nice. 

He shook his head and managed -- barely -- to jump back as the flame caught. It didn't burst upward, but he still felt the heat on his face enough that he had been sure his hair was going to singe. Then he looked up at Dirk, who was close enough to the fire that Jake didn't know how he could stand the heat.

"So," he said. "Is it safe to sleep here at night?"

Dirk's eyebrows climbed his forehead again. "I should fuckin' hope so, since I've been living here my whole fuckin' life," he said. "What are you scared of? Chupacabras? Weres? Or just your standard coyote?" 

"Mostly the coyote, after what happened earlier," Jake lied. He'd been hoping Dirk might break into stories of driders or nagas. He was pretty sure there were nagas here. He liked nagas. Though, maybe the ones here were rattlesnake breeds, and he wasn't sure he wanted to deal with that venom. "Or bears! Do you have bears in Texas?" 

"We have bears," Dirk said. His face and voice were back to being flat, his eyebrows having evened themselves out. "But not in this part of the state. They're all back west. I don't suppose you were hoping to wrestle one."

Maybe not wrestle in the literal sense. Jake sighed. If there weren't any real bears here, there sure weren't likely to be any bear lycans. That was one on his list he still really wanted to cross off. Though, he told himself, maybe it was for the best. After all, Dirk wasn't likely to find overhearing Jake getting railed as romantic. And the last thing Jake needed to do was out himself as a tailhunter -- he was pretty sure that, if he did, Dirk would leave outright without a single glance back. So, he needed to quit fantasizing.

Instead, he went about feeding the fire and setting up his little camp stove. 

"You seem pretty downhearted," Dirk's voice said over him. "Feeling like maybe you should have gone mountain climbing after all?" 

"Maybe," Jake said. Mountain climbing might have led him to something nice. Even in the states, after all, there were lynx and cougar weres. And, of course, Bigfoot. Supposedly. Maybe he should have followed up on that instead of chasing stories of centaurs.

But, on the other hand, he _was_ sitting here, in the Texan tall grass and dirty sand, with a certified centaur. Admittedly, a strange-looking centaur instead of the attractive valentino he'd imagined, but he couldn't complain. 

He let out another heavy sigh as he poured the remains of his water bottle into the little pot to start it boiling. Then he sat back. 

"So, I've told you all about me," he said. "About what I'm doing out here, the full five courses! Why don't you tell me a little about you, Mister .... Dirk? Do centaurs have last names?"

"Strider," Dirk supplied. "It's a herd name. Sort of like, a family name I guess? I'm pretty sure that's the word you humans use for your herds. Though they're way smaller than ours." He shifted, his long horse legs unfolding themselves slightly from under his body. "I don't know that there's a lot to tell. You already know everything about why I'm separate from the herd. My life besides that hasn't exactly been very wild. I was born a little ways from here, out on the prairie. I grew up with my brother. We parted ways from our old herd and joined up with this one, for a while. Then I got kicked out and that brings us to now." He, again, shrugged. "Really, a pretty damn boring life." 

"Oh, come on, now, I'm sure there's all sorts of things you could tell me about you," Jake coaxed. How was he meant to romance a centaur if the centaur wouldn't tell him anything? "Like, what are your hobbies? Or what's your brother like? Anything at all! It'd just be nice to make a bit of small talk while I get supper going."

Dirk looked at him, evenly, his brow furrowed so deeply that it probably could have caught water in it. For a long moment, Jake was certain that the jig was up. Dirk was about to call him out on what he was doing here and send him packing, and then he'd have nothing to show for it. He swallowed hard, wetting his lips with his tongue and then wishing he hadn't. What if Dirk thought that was some kind of 'hunter come-on?

"I dunno," Dirk said. "I can't imagine any of my hobbies would be that relevant to a city slicker like yourself. You've probably seen and done it all before." But, despite his words, he turned and began rifling through his little bag, underneath his poncho. What he pulled out --

Jake blinked.

It was an old phone. An old flip phone, to be precise. It was clearly in disrepair. The tiny time display screen on the outside was cracked, and the corners of the plastic were worn and rough. But Dirk held it like it was his private treasure. He flipped it open. The screen inside -- good lord, how had phone screens ever been that small? -- was as cracked on the one on the outside, and the buttons had long since had all their print worn off by time, use, or both.

"I know it's nothing special," Dirk said, though his voice certainly implied that he, at least, thought it was. "You guys are like, ten generations ahead of this shit, now. But it's pretty hard to get hands on an iPhone out here, so I make do with the things I can actually get." 

It was clear without Dirk even pressing any of the buttons that the phone was long-since dead. Hell, the thing was probably a good ten years old, at least. Jake reached out and, though Dirk hesitated, he let Jake take the phone and examine it. There were scratch marks on the back near the screws, and it was clear that, at least once, Dirk had taken it apart to inspect the insides. Jake couldn't help but wonder what he'd learned from examining old circuitboards. It was a marvel that he'd managed to fit it all back together. Jake had seen the detritus that usually resulted from Roxy pulling apart old technology, and it wasn't pretty. 

A moment after taking it, Jake offered the phone back to Dirk. The centaur took it without so much as a blink of hesitation, tucking it back into his little bag. "I have a lot of things like that," he said, not looking back at Jake. "Old phones. What computer junk I can find, on the outskirts of the preserve. I found an old Gameboy, once, but it didn't seem long for this world, so I disassembled it." Jake thought he could see the beginnings of a flush on the apples of Dirk's cheeks, but it might have just been the dimming light of day as evening began to set in. Dirk didn't look back at him, busy rifling through his bag.

"Um, if you'd like, you can see mine!" Jake said, digging in his pocket. "I won't exactly let you keep it and I'd certainly appreciate it if you didn't take it apart, but you're welcome to fiddle around with my apps, or things, if you'd like." He unlocked it once he'd found it, then offered it to Dirk. Dirk blinked at him, then cast those golden eyes down to Jake's phone. 

"Is that from that movie with the blue cat people?" Dirk asked.

Jake, too late, wished he'd had the good sense to change his wallpaper. It was somehow even more humiliating that Dirk didn't even know Avatar's name, but still recognized Neytiri. Even centaurs living in the middle of fuckall nowhere had him pegged. Way to romance the fellow, Jake. Doubtless Dirk was impressed.

"Erm, well, yes," Jake mumbled. "It's a spiffing film, you know. One of my favorites!"

"I'll take your word for it." Dirk still sounded intensely bemused. Regardless, though, he took Jake's phone. Jake held his breath as Dirk's fingers brushed over his. His skin was callused and rough, nails clipped or chewed down so the cuticles were barely visible. His knuckles were cracked, and an old cut ran diagonally over the back of his hand. 

Then the contact was gone. Jake breathed out. Dirk immediately sat back, flicking fingers through his phone, presumably checking out the array of apps Jake had downloaded. Jake watched him intently.

"I actually have a friend who loves all this tech stuff," he said, to fill the silence. "She does programming and information technology sorts of nonsense. She's got a big ol' collection of old video games and things like that! I bet you two would be just absolute peas in a pod."

"What's she like?" Dirk lifted the phone, turning it over and over again. He paused to inspect the camera lens, then tapped at the screen again.

"Oh, she's the best," Jake said. "Roxy's her name. She's a standup dame, if you know what I mean. Anytime I need a hand, she's right there with one ready for me! She's the only one I can talk to about -- " 

Too late, he clapped his mouth shut. He was supposed to be keeping his tailhunting secret until he was done with the entire romance drill. He couldn't exactly tell Dirk that he and Roxy shared stories of their most recent sexual conquests. Oh, yes, Dirk, my best pal and me, we happen to share this hobby of chasing down giant monsters like yourselves to get a little afternoon delight. That would absolutely go over well. 

"About?" Dirk echoed. He seemed absorbed in the phone, though, so for a moment Jake thought he might let it drop. Then his eyes darted up to Jake's, and Jake knew he was still on the hook. 

"Oh, you know," he said. "Just about all the things bugging me, that's all. I've got other pals, too, but the truth is that Rox is the only one I feel like I can be honest with! She knows me best. That's all I mean. I suppose you know just what's that like, you've probably got friends of your own that're the same way." 

"Besides my brother," Dirk said, "no, not really." He glanced back down at the phone, running one fingernail over the screen. "Okay, Google," he said. He seemed actually put out when the phone didn't respond. 

"Sorry," Jake said with a slight laugh. "It only responds to my voice. I can ask it all sorts of things for you, later, if you'd like." 

"Nah," Dirk said. He held the phone back out. "I just wanted to see if it worked. Here. I might look at it later, if you don't mind, but for now ..." This time Jake could see his shrug, and it was only with one shoulder. "It's all yours. Some email notice popped up while I was fucking with it."

Oh. Oh, hell. Jake really hoped that it hadn't been anything incriminating. But then, maybe Dirk wasn't the sort of fellow who would peek. He certainly hoped so. Hell, he was subscribed to so many shady tailhunter mailing lists, the chances were better than not that it had been something shady. "Well, howdy, thanks," he said, taking the phone. He didn't even check the notification for now, afraid that it would somehow give him away. Instead, he fished for an excuse to get a bit of solitude.

Luckily, one was easy to come up with, out here. "Do you mind," he started, and then, "erm, I mean, I've got to go visit the little boy's room, if you get my meaning!" He pulled himself to his feet, making a show of stretching as he did so. Dirk blinked up at him, but didn't so much as budge. "If you don't mind, you can drop those packets in the pot once the water's boiling," Jake said. "And then by the time I get back, wham, bam, thank you ma'am, we'll have dinner!"

"Sure," Dirk said. He went back to rifling through his pack, though for what Jake hadn't the foggiest. He didn't want to press his luck or give tell to being a liar -- and, besides that, he wasn't even lying that much, not really. Sure, he also wanted to check his phone, but he did need to spend a penny something terrible.

He left his pack where it was and excused himself into the bare, slight tree cover. He took a good long walk into the grass, until he was fairly certain Dirk wouldn't hear him whizzing, and relieved himself. 

He'd barely shaken himself off before he was checking his phone. A half-dozen notifications that his apps needed updating. A missed call from Gran. Several notifications from various games reminding him to check in.

And, he was relieved to see, the notification for his email just displayed a number unless he swiped it open. Which, now, he did. He was immediately relieved that Dirk hadn't seen them. The very top one was a notification of how many comments he'd gotten on his last blog post. It was a frankly startling number, considering the amount of traffic he usually got. He blinked at the email as he opened it, scanning it quickly.

Forty-seven. For a post that was barely a paragraph long and just said that he'd _met_ a centaur -- not even that he'd romanced it, or that he felt any sparks between them! There was a genuine audience he could get if he kept up with these entries. And while it wasn't exactly something he could make a lifestyle out of the way TailTales liked to pretend, it was certainly different from what he was used to.

A new alert popped up as he scanned over his other emails. It was, of course, Roxy. Some days, it was like she had her own personal Jake alarm. 

TG: jaker jaker booty shaker holy ship  
TG: i cant believe you actually dun did it  
TG: i imagine ur probs off pickin flowers or some shit right now but holy FUCK jake  
TG: u FOUND one  
TG: tell me all abt him i need every last deet you can give me  
TG: and trust me im gonna know if you spare any  


He debated, for a moment, not replying to her. But then, what he'd told Dirk was true. Roxy was his best friend. Who could he talk to about this, if not her? He glanced back in the direction of the campsite. Dirk could wait a little longer. He'd probably have to come up with another excuse, but if anything, he'd always been pretty creative. 

GT: Roxy!  
GT: Ive just gotten away for a sec whew theres a lot to tell isnt there?  
GT: I got the email from tailtales and wow WEE is that a lot of folks.  
TG: lmao  
TG: the counts still climbing jake  
TG: there aint no stoppin this runaway train  
TG: you found the hot audience and its everyone who has ever wanted to know jack shit about centaurs!  
TG: and speakin of those people  
TG: sidles over  
TG: nudges u with an elbow  
TG: pretend i put that in stars if u gotta i know that shit gets u hot  
GT: *Gulp!*  
TG: yeah like that  
GT: Honestly rox ...  
GT: Theres not a lot to tell just yet! I mean were still getting to know each other. Him and me! And boy does he like to keep his cards close to his chest.  
TG: his chiseled masculine six packed chest  
GT: If you want to get technical thats the abdomen.   
TG: details details  
TG: by which i mean  
TG: i need more of them  
TG: from u  
GT: Ok ok sheesh! Lets see here where to start.  
GT: His name is dirk. Hes a real odd looking fella when you get down to it. Not really what i pictured at all and calling his abs a six pack would be real generous!   
GT: Also hes by himself. I ran into a herd earlier but they saw me and made a break for it. Except for one of them who had me pegged one hundred percent! And that one told me to fuck off. But I kept on because i remembered what you said!  
TG: about bigfoot  
GT: Yes about bigfoot! Can we not talk about bigfoot for a few minutes?  
GT: Anyway dirk here saved me from a mean coyote that was fixing to make dinner out of me. And now were getting to know each other. In a way im pretty lucky he wasnt with the herd or hed know exactly what im here for.  
TG: im amazed you havent let it slip yet tbh jake  
TG: you are about as secure with secrets as one of those old diaries with the fake velcro lock  
TG: no offense and ilu for it but in ur words "boy howdy" are you a shitty fuckin liar  
GT: Hey!  
GT: Im perfectly capable of keeping things under wraps as exemplified by dirk not having the sweetest clue what im up to!  
GT: He thinks im an outdoorsman and adventurer.   
GT: I told him ive climbed denali.  
TG: you tell me that and then expect me to believe youre NOT a shitty liar  
GT: Anyway!  
GT: Hes really into electronics and stuff so i might need to bend your ear a little bit for some ways to win him over. I dont know that much else about him besides that he gets in lots of fights with the herd elder and thats why hes on his own.   
GT: And he has a brother! Who I think is still with the herd?   
GT: That must be a hell of a situation if ever theres been one.   
GT: Id love to hear more about what the frigs happened there.  
TG: well why arent you askin him right now  
TG: please tell me he isnt sitting there all doe eyed while ur textin me  
GT: No! Of course not!  
GT: I excused myself to take a piss first.  
TG: s! m! h! jake!   
TG: you are ridiculous  
TG: id say you were incorrigble if i could fuckin spell it  
TG: stop puttin off romancin him to talk to me we can talk anyfuckintime  
TG: if he gets the gist youre not interested then thats it! youve lost him! and likely any chance you had at gettin that sweet sweet horse d  
TG: so get! back! to! work!  
GT: Geez!  
GT: Ok ok! I get it! Ill go please just stop giving me the business!   
TG: good  
TG: hit me up with more deets but yknow  
TG: later  
TG: AFTER u win the horseman over  
TG: capish??  
GT: I think its spelled capisce.  
TG: do u get my point or not turdboy  
GT: Yes yes ive got it cool your jets! Ill go back and check on him right now. Will that make you feel better?  
TG: YES moron  
TG: hurry it up or hell figure u out and scram!  
TG: smh!!!  


Jake started to send one last reply that he was already on his way, but the sound of hooves distracted him. Hurriedly, he shoved his phone back into his pocket. He debated pulling himself out of his pants again and just acting like it had been a really long piss, but there was no point in it. He'd just tell Dirk he'd checked his email and gotten distracted, and that would be just fine. He dusted his hands off on his shorts and then turned toward the camp.

But, he realized as he started to turn, the hoofbeats weren't coming from that direction at all. He paused and turned, instead, in the other direction.

Immediately, he fell back a few steps as a centaur galloped toward him, about to run him down for the second time today. He scrambled, also for the second time today, for a tree to climb up or some other sort of shelter, but he'd stepped out of the tree cover and into the grass instead. So, instead, he turned toward camp and tried to gauge if he could reach it before the other centaur arrived. Surely Dirk would help him out against another centaur.

Before he even started moving, the other centaur answered a question. He drew to a loud stop just behind Jake. Jake swallowed hard and turned to face the creature. 

He might have already known who it was going to be, if he'd thought about it for even a few moments. It was, in fact, the same centaur who had nearly run him down earlier, with that same mop of strawberry blond hair and the same golden coat and tail. And, of course, the same red eyes. He had a heavy pack slung over one shoulder, and one of his hooves pawed at the ground in agitation.

"Um," Jake said, and swallowed again. He tried to find some words, even as the centaur folded his arms and arched one eyebrow. "Howdy, there, partner! How odd to see you again so soon, haha, isn't that a funny little ... "

The centaur let his voice die off in awkward anxiety, and then let a long moment of silence linger between them.

"I'm gonna want you to explain what you're doing out here in my brother's stomping grounds," he said. "And I'm gonna want you to explain that real fuckin' fast."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on tumblr at [@stormsbourne!](http://stormsbourne.tumblr.com)


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